If an adult tells your child that he's going to get his face punched in one day, simply because he speaks up and out, would TCS find this appropriate behaviour on the adults part? Opinions welcome.

Punch the adult?

Just kidding. :D


Serious, who are these people you are hanging out with?

No it is not appropriate behaviour. I would challenge the adult, myself, or get outta there and never see them again.

Some battles you have to help your child fight.

It's a mess!

When I intervene, I'm accused of fighting my childs battles for him and as I see it...that's exactly what needs to be done as his mother. Naturally, I see it as totally unacceptable behaviour but I think I'm dealing with someone out of my league. I'm doing my best to do my best. I'm just tired now...tired of living my childhood all over since the consecutive deaths of my family last year, tired of having to prove that I stand by my beliefs...just tired in general. Anyway, thanks for the thoughts. I wish people were just kinder but under no illusion that life shouldn't be seen through rose coloured glasses. It's time I kept to myself for awhile and got over these deaths. Thanks again. Peace!

I would definately question t

I would definately question the motivations of the adult. That being said, i live in the rural South (usa) but have relatives in major cities in other parts of the country, so there are times when it is important to explain to kids (and travelling adults, too) "This kind of behavior will draw attention to you and maybe get you beaten or knifed". If the statement has that kind of purpose, it is appropriate, but maybe "unskillfully expressed". In that case, I would talk to both the kid and the adult about how sometimes people can mean well but say REALLY STUPID things. Actually, given my own foot-in-mouth habits, I have conversations like this from time to time anyway.


This I find tricky because my instinct is to either get the kid out of there-it actually sounds like a potentially dangerous situation-or say something to the adult. And if someone said that to MY kid, my blood would be boiling.

But trying to take a step back...And assuming that there is no real danger in the situation (because quite frankly I am NOT going to stand by and watch anyone, child or adult, get punched, and definately not my child).

Is the adult speaking to the child like this because they feel able to talk to children like this-would they talk to another adult like this? Does the adult expect the child to sit down and "behave" because they believe that that is what kids should do, and because they believe that they as an adult have a right to require it of a child, or do they just want the other person in the situation, who happens to be a child, to sit down and stop being annoying? In short-is the adult trying to use the fact that they are bigger and more respected by society to co-erce (or threaten) the child?

Or does the adult just talk to people like this? Basically are they just pretty aggressive, or with an offbeat sense of humour maybe?

I think my uncertainty comes from trying to balance a child's right to have relationships and interactions that I as an adult may not be comfortable with-but are part of their learning and experience of the real world-against the fact that most people do NOT treat kids with proper respect.

But then I start to get into-well, the world is like that. I can treat my (and other kids) with the respect I would accord to an adult-ie, as individuals and people in their own right, not as subservients, or cute children, or whatever. Through this I would hope to give them the self respect to cope with such comments. But I am not sure that I actually have a right to shelter them from any learning experience, except possibly one which is both dangerous AND one where they cannot anticipate the danger (eg my one year old does not get to put screwdrivers in the plug sockets, although he would like to, we put covers on them, he cannot predict the effects of electricity + metal). Now this might be a learning experience where the effect on the child would be too dire to allow them to go ahead with it, or it might be that they learn something about how some people talk to others, and possible ways of dealing with it.

And I wouldn't be standing back anyway-I can't see myself not saying something along the lines of "that isn't a nice thing to say, I don't think its appropriate to talk to people like that"-but not because the adult is talking to a child in a nasty way, because they are talking to a person in a nasty way, and because I personally really don't like violence or threats.

And another thing...

Actually theres another way to look at this. Is the adult threatening the child, or are they trying to modify their behaviour? Are they saying that THEY will punch them, or that their big mouth will get them into trouble with someone else?

In some ways I have more of a problem with the latter, I'd rather people reponsed honestly to me and my kids behavour than say "oh, other people won't like it". It comes down for me to "would you say that to another adult?". I honestly wouldn't unless I intended to be really rude. Its patronising and suggests that I know better than the person I am talking to what society finds acceptable.

So for me the situation comes down to-is this so potentially damaging for my child that I should over-ride their desire to stay in the situation and remove them?

Obviously if they wanted to leave, we would do so without delay, even if I was having a good time (I mean, we might be at a concert or something). Of course I would protect them if they asked me to. My desire to stay in the situation, or to avoid an arguement, would be over-ridden by my child's right to protection. I'm not sure why-I think maybe because of the relationship between me and my child is one of protection and nurture.

I'm not sure this adult has a clue but we're 'involved'...

A shop keeper threw my son and friend out of a shop. I took them back knowing what I might hear because my son had already admitted to me that he was skip running in the shop to keep up with his friend. (my son has tourettes and if he can't 'see' who he's with, he panics-but doesn't want anyone to know this thus denies it). The shopkeeper was very nice to me and confirmed he was running in the shop. My son got angry with me because I didn't tell the woman off for the 'tone' in which she spoke to him, but gave her permission to toss him out of the shop should he be seen running in there again. I have been trying to break him of this habit for some time. My adult friend says...(the one who threatens my son and I) says, must learn that you will not always be around to fight his battles for him...but in my opinion, i needed to know if in fact, he was tossed out for running or if the shop owner just had a problem with kids in the shop at dark. In my friends next breath, she says, a Doctor has treated her daughter (age 21) appallingly and would like me to help her sort it out for I missing something? my son is 13 yesterday, her daughter is she not still fighting her daughters battles or rather getting me to? I'm just trying to figure all this out...because it is a mess. I love her but she seems confused and divided. Maybe I should just slip away...