Taking Children Seriously

Please be sure to read this before you post.

It would be nice to hear where you found out about TCS. Write to me, Sarah Fitz-Claridge, at:
foundertakingchildrenseriously.com.

Introduction

I am Sarah Fitz-Claridge, founder of Taking Children Seriously (TCS),

List Owner of the TCS List and other TCS-related Lists, webmaster of the TCS web site, and editor of Taking Children Seriously, the paper journal. I started TCS in 1992, beginning with the paper journal, then in 1994, the TCS List, and finally the TCS web site. When I started TCS, I was the only TCS parent in the world. Now, there is a worldwide movement of TCS families.

The Taking Children Seriously web site, discussion lists and the TCS Discussion Forum are for the discussion of TCS theory and practice, and for the support of TCS parents. As such, it will not appeal to all parents. TCS is a philosophical theory having moral implications, including implications about what sort of discussions there should be on the TCS forums. In order to maintain an atmosphere conducive to the growth of knowledge of real TCS families in their real lives, TCS discussion forums are lightly moderated. Rest assured that the moderators always approve any post which conforms to the TCS Posting Guidelines.

The TCS forums are unusual in a number of ways. Most notably, criticism is welcome (as long as it is friendly), but meta-discussion (discussion whose subject matter is, say, how to hold discussions instead of how to treat children) is unwelcome. Moreover, discussion on TCS forums should be general and hypothetical, not discuss or mention children's lives in ways that could embarrass them later, when they are the President of the United States, say.

What NOT to post

• meta-comments/discussion.
• Complaints, comments and suggestions about the management of the TCS List, web site or any other TCS forum. (These are also meta-discussion: send them to me privately instead.)
• Specific details of children's (or others') lives that could embarrass them later, when they are the President of the United States, say.
• Destructively damning judgements of children's internal states, motives, or character.
• Privacy-violating material.
• Material soliciting personal information.
• Hostility and posts that are likely to be interpreted as hostile. Please take the trouble to word your criticisms in a way that won't destroy the person. Don't just be a fallibilist, be seen to be one. You might just be wrong in your damning judgements.
• Religious proselytising.
• Off-topic messages.
• Spams, chain letters, virus warnings, etc. (If someone sends you a ‘warning’ or a ‘special offer’ you are not sure about, check the urban legends newsgroups/FAQs rather than posting to the TCS List.)
• ‘Fluff’ posts.
• One-line, ‘content-less’ posts such as “I agree”.
• Administrative messages such as “Unsubscribe me”
• Lengthy sigs.
• Re-post requests (send those to the individual poster).
• Personal messages (send those to the individual poster).

Further guidelines to take into account

• Discussions should be general and hypothetical.
• Criticism, including moral criticism, is welcome, as long as it is friendly.
• In general, threads (including discussions on the same subject with a different Subject: line) should be short. They should not be repetitive and they should not go round in circles. Insistently repetitive threads drown out other more subtle threads so please try to ensure that your reply is making a point which others would recognise as new to the thread rather than merely repeating a point which has just been made. If a thread is getting nowhere, instead of replying line-by-line to another post, write a self-contained post which does not refer to previous posts in the thread, and give it an appropriate Subject: line.
• Please do not cross-post. If you are bringing a discussion here from another forum, please ensure that your post is self-contained (i.e., that it will be understandable to those who have not read the preceding discussion) and that it has a new and appropriate subject line with no “Re:” in it. Where possible, paraphrase the point you are discussing rather than quoting it, but where the point is original, please get permission to quote it and attribute it properly.
• Ensure that the subject of your messages is reflected in the Subject: line of your posts. Change the Subject: line if necessary.
• Please do not quote more than is necessary for context. (Quoting too little can also be a problem!)
• To make posts easier to read, add white space. If you write more than about four lines without a gap, consider breaking the text into two or more paragraphs. It will encourage subscribers to read what you have written.

Answers to frequently-asked questions about the TCS Posting Guidelines

1. What is meta-discussion?

Meta-discussion is discussion about the discussions instead of about on-topic matters. Comments or discussion about –

• posting styles
• the List/web site/TCS discussion forum
• the attributes of a particular poster (other than being right or wrong in something they have stated or advocated)
• the attributes of a particular discussion on the TCS forum, web site or list

– are all meta-discussion.

On the object level (i.e., on the non-meta level), there are discussions about relevant issues – TCS-related issues – discussions about how to treat children and why. (There are also object level discussions which are irrelevant to TCS and off-topic but not meta. Discussions about, say, animal rights, abortion, and religion fall into this category.)

We could have an object level (i.e., first order; not second order/meta) discussion about the on-topic issue of whether school is coercive or not. If we didn't have a “no meta-discussion” rule, we could then have a meta discussion about the discussion about that issue. For example, a post complaining that the discussion (or a particular post or poster) about whether school is coercive was disrespectful or offensive would be meta.

Examples of meta-comments:

“Do you feel that everyone is out to put you down? You are always defensive in your responses.”

“This is a perfect example of the sort of nonsense that arises all too frequently here [on the TCS List].”

“I disagree with the policy of allowing these kinds of articles on the TCS web site.”

“If TCS is a compassionate theory, where is the evidence of compassion in the posts on this List?”

“To the moderator: forgive me if this is off-topic.”

“Why is it that my posts get rejected for being off-topic while posts by others who commit the same sins contained in my posts are not?”

“Bravo, thank you and nicely put...this, unlike the usual confusing philosophical analysis one finds on this List, is precisely the type of example that teaches me more about TCS and gives me room to think. Let's have more such clear, simple and practical posts please!”

“This response seems a little hostile to me. So you disagree, do you feel so unsure of yourself you need to go the offensive? Lighten up, please, all of you.”

“Whoa, this is not a nice comment at all!”

“How can I get help solving the problem if I can't write about the children I'm having the problem with?!”

2. If I can't mention specific details of my children's lives, how can I seek help?

Use hypothetical forms of words

Instead of saying: “My child...” or “A child I know...” or “In one family...”, use hypothetical forms of words, such as “Suppose a child...” or “If a child were to... then should a parent...?”

For example, please do not write: “We went to Toys 'R' Us yesterday, and Ralph wanted us to buy a Game Cube, a $400 computerised robot, a $129 set of Lego, and countless other items. We have a very limited income and we just can't afford that. What would you do in that sort of situation?”

Instead, write something like: “If a child were to ask his parents to buy a larger proportion of the merchandise in the Toy Mega Store than they could afford without taking out a second mortgage, then how might a TCS parent solve that problem?”

Keep posts general

Please don't write: “A child I know likes to pick his nose and ram the contents up his parent's nose, which she finds too disgusting to bear. What can she do non-coercively to discourage this habit (particularly when in the presence of Grandma)? Do you do anything to socialise your children or is that considered un-TCS?”

Instead, write something like: “Young children sometimes have what many adults consider unacceptable habits – such as playing with poo or wiping their noses on the hem of a visitor's dress. How might a TCS parent deal with such situations? Is there any place for showing one's natural disgust, or could that be coercive? How might one avoid a rift with non-family members who find themselves on the receiving end of a young child's bodily fluids? Does the TCS idea of non-coercively guiding children include giving them information about hygiene and how one is expected to behave in polite society?”

Instead of giving a detailed description of the problem, ask a general question instead.

Avoid going into agonisingly specific and potentially privacy-violating detail such as: “Suppose the child wants to follow the mother into the bathroom and cries when she says she wants even one minute to herself...”

Instead, ask something like: “Should one consider it possible and desirable for a parent to have moments of real privacy, even from a young child? While in the bathroom? While having sex? While pondering deeply on the plot of her new novel? Surely privacy is valuable, even indispensable, sometimes – and yet, what if a child doesn't want to leave the parent's company, ever, and cries at the very idea? Don't very young children take that view sometimes? What approaches might one take to make such a child happy, yet solve the problem of privacy too?”

Not all details are a problem. As you can see, some of the articles on the TCS web site contain anecdotal material. What we want to avoid is damning judgements of children's motives, ideas and characters, and details which might one day embarrass them, for example, if they become President of the United States.

Posting Messages

If you wish to know more about TCS before posting, see the TCS web site.

A word of encouragement

If you have a question or indeed if you are bursting with questions, do please post your questions. It doesn't matter if your questions are ‘basic’ or ‘ill-informed’. Just mention the fact that you are a new subscriber, and ask away. The more questions we get, the more likely each of those issues will be addressed.