Posted on the TCS List on Fri, 9 Jun, 2000
by Sarah Fitz-Claridge
A poster wrote:
Take the case of a toddler, where aggression (hitting, throwing) is directed towards the parent as a result of anger over various kinds of frustration that I think are common to toddlerhood, such as frustration over a request not being understood immediately, or misunderstood, or the immediate frustration over not getting something (before finding a common preference can be attempted). My sense is that in order for the child to learn from the situation, it is useful for the parent to communicate their honest reaction, whether it be showing hurt if they've been hurt, or any emotional response, such as feeling anger, or sadness.
I think this is all true, even the showing anger part. However, it is vital to keep in mind that the normal, non-TCS purpose of displays of emotion is to cause pain, and if even a small amount of that happens, the parent will be systematically removing the conditions which make consent-based decision-making possible. If when the child behaves contrary to the parent's wishes, the parent intentionally inflicts pain, this violates what ought to be the object of the exercise once TCS has broken down – which is to restore the conditions for TCS.
Is showing one's reaction in this situation (because the parent is the “victim”) different from “intentionally punishing the aggressor, either physically or by even frowning at the aggressor” as cautioned against above? If not, how does the toddler learn that his action has had a real effect upon the one that has been hurt? I'm assuming that any explanation of the morality of this situation has to include the reason why hitting is not “right” (because it hurts someone else).
This conveying of information about morality, etc., should have happened a lot earlier! At the point where everything has gone wrong, that is not the best time to start conveying it. It is a very bad idea to convey the idea that us not being hurt is the reason you are being hurt. That is a very bad trade-off to put in someone's mind.
To put that another way, if one is not careful, one may inadvertently give the child the impression that there is no possibility of finding a common preference, and that the situation – and worse, life more generally – is a zero-sum game – where I win and you lose, or you win and I lose. If winning is at the expense of another, then most often, no one wins. Instead, we should all be thinking of finding common preferences. The child should not be given the impression that they are impossible. If you were to grow up believing that life is a zero-sum game, just how open to consent-based decision-making would you be?
Comments
Reacting to an Angry Child
To pick up where Sarah left off... how did the child become so angry in the first place? I would not usually say that one should hide one's true feelings, but I am working from a theory that a parent is better able to step back and process the whole interation than the young child. So let us go back a step. Has the parent caused pain to the child that has prompted this reaction? Is the parent then continuing the cycle by showing hir pain/anger/ sadness in response to the anger of the child? And why is the parent's reaction to the anger of the child so negative? Would the reaction be the same if the child yelled? Cried? Perhaps it is an opportunity for the parent to learn more about hir behaviour toward the child and how the child feels in response.
Maybe none of this is true. Maybe the child is frustrated because she cannot make a toy work and she enacts her frustration on the parent. My question then is, why would the parent have a negative reaction to the child's behaviour when it has nothing to do with them? Maybe the parent is a safe place for the child to express herself.
I tend to be of the view that we try and start teaching children about what is "right and wrong" [accepting for the sake of the discussion that such dichotomies exist] at far too young an age. In order to stop hitting, thowing, whatever, the child needs to be able to continue to express the emotion in an "appropriate" fashion, either in words or some other way, otherwise we risk losing the expression of feeling altogether into the morass of "it is wrong to hit."
A child at daycare starts biting another child. She is verbal, but just barely. A toddler. Upon investigation the caregivers learn that the other child has been scratching the biter when disputes arise over toys. Is the biter wrong? The scratcher? What both children need is help in finding common preference around ways to play together. They need help learning how to put their feelings into words. Both children feel that the other has done them an injustice, either by taking a toy or by scratching/ biting. Responding to an injustice is not inappropriate -- it is good!!! Let us encourage it!! And as the children begin to learn how to express themselves verbally, then discussions around biting, hitting etc can start to happen.
Namaste,
Ma Law
angry child
Imagine a six year old that only reacts that way when hir 13 year old sib comes to visit, having lived in a domestic voilence relationship and witnessed this from a very early age. its important that people come from all diffrent backgrounds and the reaction of the children may be for all different reasons.
Angry child
I have a 6 year old and he is extremely angry. He has told me he doesn't like me or his younger sib. I ask him to help pick up toys,take a bath, get ready for bes or no he cna't play outside and he totally flips out and I mean flips out. How do you handle ac child like this I amat my end of strenghth. I miss my sweet child who was pleasant to be around. any suggestions?
angry babies
how does this work with babies?
I have a girl 1 1/2 year old who gets into extreme temper tantrums. I am trying desperately to find a way to communicate with her, but she doesnt talk yet, and I dont think she's old enough to understand a 'common preference'. If she doesn't get her way RIGHT NOW, she is instantly transformed into a red-faced raging scream machine. she hits me too. I dont know what to do, I'm trying to follow TCS, but it just seems impossible. All the advice here involves talking with the child, no one mentions how to 'talk' to a baby. A friend today told me that my baby is a spoiled brat who needs to have some discipline. that's like a slap in the face to me.
I'm trying to help my girl find solutions that we can both agree on, and have both of out needs met, but a baby just doesnt understand that mama has needs too, that aren't always the same as baby's needs.
I'm going crazy here, What can I do?
Angry 3 year old
My little angry 3 year old seems to be so angry lately. I have a baby that is 11 months old and everyone says "oh it's because he's jealous!" I don't think so - at least not completely. I definitely think there are some new changes going on but I stay home with him and I always make sure he and I have a date at least every other day and provide him with adequate attention. I am not sure why he continues to hit kids and bully them at nursery. He only goes a couple days a week but even the teacher says he is just angry sometimes and pushes people over for no reason. I brought him to a birthday party today and he starting throwing rubber balls at all the toddlers for now reason and then hitting on them. Sometimes he acts like I keep him couped up in the house 24/7 which is totally not the case. I take him outside all the time and try and socialize him as much as possible. Not sure what else to do? He is just angry so often. My husband and I don't fight any more than any other married couple and never yell or say names - where is this anger coming from????
anger problem
What do you mean by a person being angry? He is angry all the time? How is that? Most likely there is a lot of miscommunication going on, and possibly some unrealistic expectations on the part of the adult.
For example, when you ask him to clean up, are you asking? Does he have the option to say "no" or "later"? I know I would be angry if someone forced me to do something I didn't want to do. Generally, if I feel a need to clean up and my child isn't interested I will extend an invitation while simultaneously doing some of the cleaning. Most of the time this is effective - young children enjoy their parents' company and are often very happy to do things with them, but the opperative word is "with". When its not effective - well, I'm the one with the "cleanliness issue". Children sometimes decide to clean (could play a strange little "cleaning game" that a child divises, like maybe a variation of fifty-two-pick-up) but if a child is stacking and unstacking objects and a parent says "clean up time" for reasons that aren't apparent to her, she will be p.o'd - why the heck shouldn't she be? If you can give her some warning and help find some common ground BEFORE clean-up time actually arrives, she might even start to do it on her own.
In the middle of an explosion, your options are pretty limited. Validate emotions, limit damage, get past the moment somehow. In between crises start to re-evaluate your relationship and think about improving your end of the communication. If there is no in-between, start looking into allergens and toxic environmental effects.
How do i know if my 3 year old is angry
HI i have looking around the web to find out if my child is an angry child or not. He's a beautiful boy the gets along with children. He's also eager to play with other children. I do not see the angryness in him at all. Some times he acts out in front (show off) of people. But it is not in a bad way. He just does things to get your attention.
I was told by two people that he is angry. I still don't see it. I mean I try to be the best parent, I'm not perfect -- I know that I can raise my voice when he makes me angry. I just want to do right by my son. Can someone please offer their advice because I don't know what to think.
Help Please.
Consider a young child who throws a fit when, say, taken out and gets mad when s/he doesent get something in the store what s/he wants, getting loud and thowing a fit when told put it back. If a child really throws a fit when you say 'we are leaving' and you have to lift hir up and bring hir out of the store-- what can you do? Help!!!
Extremely angry and overeating six-year-olds
I have fraternal 6-year-old twins. My husband decided that drugs were more important than our family, so I took the children and left. Now my son is exhibiting extreme rage and anger at everyone around him, especially female family members. My daughter is wanting to eat everything in sight from the time she gets home from school until after bedtime. I think my son is angry at me because I took them away from their Daddy and I think my daughter is overeating out of insecurity. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to handle my son's episodes and I can't seem to console my daughter by letting her know that she is still loved very much. I am totally lost......
angry 6 year old
Hi,
My father and sister decided drugs were also more important to them than our family, so I have custody of my 6 year old nephew. To top that off, my father died as a result of his drug use shortly after I took custody of my nephew (he was the primary caregiver, the boy's mother was in prison).
He's a sweet child with a bad temper. he has "angry episodes" and hits kids at school, even though the children are his "friends" and he is very remorseful about it afterwards.
One thing that is obvious is that he is angry at my father for leaving him like he did, angry for the things he did to him...but he also feels guilty about being angry at him because he is dead. ALso he feels it is somehow his fault, that he should have been there to keep him from dying.
Your son may also be angry at his father not just you...he may not even know that he is! You have my sympathy having two to deal with. just be there for them, lots of hugs and kisses and talking about making the "right choices" seems to be helping us. you may need to talk to him about what his father was telling him too. my dad taught my nephew to lie to my mom, so he wouln't get into trouble (dad that is) and he taught him that her not giving him money (for drugs) made her a mean person. so you may need to question him about things like that.
hang in there, hope things get better.
hitting from a toddler
when a toddler has a major tantrum when she wants to do something but is stopped,eg,short walk which she likes but wont turn around to go back to the car. With screams and hitting and a struggle to get back to the car...Its embarrassing too....please advice.
Excuse me?
How is it that you have assumed the adult is responsible for a lack of communication?
Are you asking? I can't believe I read this. There is no asking. It is, "you need to clean your room". Not, "sweetie, do you mind cleaning your room? Oh, you don't? Okay, well I'll do it. Some kids don't like to clean."
That's the problem with society. Children have no boundaries. I actually went to a seminar recently and the speaker said that the worst thing you can tell a child is no. Never say no, she explained, instead just say something like, maybe later you can do that. Or honey, I think you should think about if you really want that.
How about this. No.
Today's world is a scary place to live in and everyday I come to understand more and more why that is. Children crave structure and rules, despite the beliefs of spineless adults.
If someone forced you to do something you wouldn't do you would be living in the real world. I know I don't care to get up and go to work every day, but I am forced to because that is the way society functions. The sooner kids understand responsiblity, the easier it will be to accept. Imagine living life responsiblity free, and then one day waking up to the truth.
The problem is not are you asking your child. It could be anything. Yes, it is okay to say would you like to clean up now or in five minutes. That's fine. No, it is not okay for a child to decide if he/she will do it at all. If the child is having outbursts like this, it is much deeper than not wanting to do a chore. I would suggest sitting down and talking about it with him while the two of you are doing something like drawing or playing video games so he feels comfortable. Maybe even write a story together and see what comes out.
Angry Child
I came across this article from a couple of years ago. I am finding myself in the same situation you described. Since it has been awhile since you wrote this, looking back now do you have any suggestions for me? I am very frustrated and would appreciate anything you can tell me. How did you handle this now?
Thanks! Janine
Food allergies?
If I had a child acting out for no good reason (to put it simply) I would take a good look at hir diet. Food additives like artificial colors and flavors and MSG are often the culprit, or food allergies (often dairy, wheat, eggs, shellfish, peanuts). Eliminating those factors can make an astounding difference in a childs behavior.
my son is 10 year old and hates his life
[moderator's note: please hypotheticalize in responses. We like to avoid discussing specific children's lives in a public forum. Thank you.]
I'm am a mother of two children. I feel there is an anger problem with my son. No one want to think there is some thing wrong with thier children, but there come a time when all things to correct there behavior has failed and nothing works. My family call my children the ying-yang twins do to they are diffrent as day and night. My son is 10 years old he is very angry all the time. He said his life is misrelible and he wishes he could died he hates everything and everyone. My daughter is 15 and a very happy child she love everything about everyone,loves school and her friends and is thankful for everything. My son is home schooled due to his behavior in public and private school
they don't know what to do with him. I am at the point of crying 3-4 times a week because of his actions. I have made an appointment to take him to see some one to help him hopefully not to put him on medicine. I was needing some tip to help at home.
Thank you
angry child
I am reading your comment from two years ago and am wondering how things are going now? My child is six and also gets angry quickly, not always and not daily, but does flip out .
The child is angry because
The child is angry because he has no limits. He can act any way he wants and not suffer consequences. I see it all the time this day in age.
So glad someone wrote the
So glad someone wrote the comment above. I too wonder how one arrives at the conclusion that the parent is at fault here. No wonder kids have no respect for their parents. Adults do things all the time that we don't enjoy and we learn to do them anyways without a huge fit. The sooner children learn that certain things like cleaning, bedtime and so forth are nessecary, the easier their life will be later. Then there will be less familiar people they have to content with (like at a job that will earn the money for a living). During their childhood they can lash out at their loved one (like MOM) because her love remains even if treated badly by the child. Later that may get them fired from a decent job. If you ask me, firmness, calmness and consistentcy are your best way to treat anger problems. If you are not abusive, screaming or throwing a fit just like the child, you are not doing anything wrong. Just hang tight and pray hard and if it doesn't quite work as well or as fast as some other cases, it may be due to the fact that all our precious children are different but it is that, which makes the world go around! :-)
angry children
the assumption that a child is getting angry 'for no reason' is symptomatic of the rampant disrespect for children in mainstream society, imo. i think it is safe to say that when people get angry, at any age, they have a reason. to assume that they don't, because they are a child, is not taking them seriously.
disrespect for parent's own self is rampant, as well, when people (as per comments above) believe that they have to knuckle under to authority and bear no authority in themselves, let alone dignity and the right to autonomy. if people accept that for themselves, what chance is there that they can help thier children to claim and support their own autonomy?
it is not a matter of assigning fault for anger, but rather of recognizing problems and wanting to solve them. if you think that anger is ok, and that it is ok to hurt others in the process of learning, then you are not likely to be looking beyond that to find ways to interact with children and to help them in ways that do not require anger and hurting. that is what we are doing here, with tcs.
we all have limits in the physical universe. gravity will have its way, and we can't leap up and fly in the air at will, and there are myriad expectations and laws of society to learn to negotiate. how much better, to be helped to learn and grow and to be able to think rationally about these things, than to have arbitrary limits laid down and coercively enforced. the resultant resentment and anger gets in the way of learning and relationships, as so many of the comments above demonstrate.
try listening. try questioning your assumptions and expectations. try opening up to learning yourself, along with your child. try remembering what it was like to be a small child. try helping yourself and your child get what you both want in life, not one at the expense of the other. there is a lot to learn about how to live together with love and kindness and genuine wanting to help. consider that anger is not a necessary frequent emotion to be experiencing. you can change that, for parent and child.
Do Not Disturb
For parents of angry children of any age, my advice would be
1) Stop. Observe. See if you can work out what is making them angry. If it is something you are doing to them, stop doing it.
Then
2) Start thinking creatively about the situation. If you want child to put jigsaw pieces away after finishing a jigsaw, be present as they do the jigsaw and then start modelling by putting jigsaw away. Don't nag, don't expect results today or this week, and find some way to make the process joyful for yourself (count the pieces into the box? Swoosh them all off the edge of the table into the box? Try to slip the completely jigsaw into the box so that it is still complete but put away - that's REALLY hard). Soon, if putting jigsaw pieces away is really fun, child will join in.
3) Stop hurrying your child. So many conflict situations are brought about because parent is on some arbitrary adult schedule in which child has no investment. Relax. Smell the flowers. Enjoy the clean air on your walk. Read your book while child plays with object in shop. What do you mean you don't have your book with you???? (that's an excusable mistake once only ;-) ). Give them time to make decisions, to squeeze every drop of enjoyment out of the situations in which they find themselves
4) don't label your child as the naughty one or the angry one or the tantruming one. Acknowledge that they are a rational human being trying to make sense of the universe. You can help them by being a trusted guide better than by being an authority figure who imposes arbitrary rules on them.
That's a fact, another drama
That's a fact, another drama listed due to drug abuse. As i was thinking, drugs take victims lives but also their families happiness and tranquility. I am sorry to hear about your father but may be there is still a chance for your sister in a drug rehab treatment center once she gets out of jail. She needs to do this for her troubled kid, obviously he is seriously affected by this whole mess.
my 12 month old baby is so angry
i need to no why my 12 month old baby is so angry. he hits
everyone and anything that comes near him, i am not saying its
24/7 but a majority of the time. the angry noises that he
makes at all of his family members even the dogs are unreal.
please if anyone can give me an explanation for this it would
be greatly appreciated. thanks.
3 year old hitting mum
My nearly 3 year old often hits me even when im playing with him, suddenly he gives a mischevious smile and laugh and hits me. I put him in his highchair which he no longer uses to eat and leave him for a few minutes. He says sorry and strokes me and plays nicely again but may then hit me again later! I thought it was because i'm a single mum and if i'm cooking or washing up he hasn't got my attention, as he throws his toys at me over the stairgate which is in the kitchen doorway. I have taken most of his toys out of his sight. Also he doesn't see his father but he doesn't ask for him either. Please help, i try really hard to give him my attention all day but he still hits sometimes. He is at nursery 4 days a week and he's adorable when hes there.
One of My 4year old boys is always angry...
I have a 4 year old boy who is always angry, about everything. It can stem from the littlest thing and at times his anger can blow into full rage where he spits, hits, swears, and so on. Time outs are issused but with no result he only becomes more riled up. I take things away and he acts as though they dont mean anything to him. He did not always used to be like this, I have tried to find a reason from which the anger may have stemed from but with no results. He does not get angry anywhere else but at home, school he does well, grandmas house he does well also... I guess i am just wondering if it could be me as a mother I mean in all reality I think once you get to the point I am at, every mother questions her skills as a mother. I dont want to be a tyrant, and i dont want him to feel like I am against him, I just need advice on how to get him to control his anger....
thanks, mother of 2 twin sets.
Daughter 10 yrs old behaves in ODD manner
My daughter is 10 yrs old. she becomes very angry and becomes adament on reaching home. On sight of her mother she becomes very angry. With others and outside she is OK but very innocent.Sometimes she says that she will run away from house and sometimes she says she will commit suicide. It is very disturbing. she also sleeps too much and does not excercise and in studies also she is very dull. What may be the reason.
Also kindly refer me a good phychiatrist in Chennai who deals with children
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