Bullied by my own son!!

My son is 14. He has a 12 year old brother and i am a single parent. I am finding it hard to bond with my eldest, because he has decided that he is 'man of the house'. For the past 2 years, he has found it difficult to cope with his father becoming a transexual and then he came out as gay at school. When ever we argue, he ends up shoving me across the room, swearing and punching me! I know he needs something to do to let off steam, but he does not want to do ANYTHING he just goes on his laptop when he gets in from school. I have asked him if he wants to do judo or swimming etc, but he just shouts, throws his fists around and slams his bedroom door. His younger brother usually tries to pull him away from me, but he ends up hurt. What i need is advice on how to calm the situation, before it gets to the stage where he becomes violent. He has been to counselling, but he now refuses to go and apart from dragging him down the road (he is far too strong for me) his brother and i just tiptoe around him, trying not to upset him (which is hard, because anything sets him off!!) Life is almost unbearable, my family live 300 miles away and i dont socialise at all, because i live in a bad estate and i am practically a recluse. Does anyone have any suggestions??

Bullied by my own son

Hi there,

welcome to TCS, I'm sorry such an urgent sounding query has been neglected by everyone here for so long.

Given the information you have provided I am inclined to suggest Telling your son he doesn't have to go to school, obviously don't tell him he has to not go, just tell him it's an option.

I understand this may sound very confusing given his behavior(why put yourself in this troublesome situation for more of your day than you have to).

My reasons for recommending this course of action are:

1. This nasty stroppy behaviour is usually carried out by someone who feels out of control and afraid, school has this effect on people because it is disengenous, and coerces individuals into doing things they do not wish to do or are not able to do.

The reason he chooses to level his anger at you rather than his school is because he feels safer around you, but probably unable to express his feelings.

2. School is an inferior form of education to that which he will receive by teaching himself.

3. He will not learn to socialize well at school.

This is a very short note about what might seem like a very radical change, the rest of this site can illucidate more in a similar vain.

I should mention two further things, 1. I'm not an expert on this sort of thing so all I have is my own studying and experience, but I can say I have witnessed similar levels of anger in children whom, after becoming home educated became much calmer. 2. If your concerned that home education deosn't provide children with the skills to enter the job market etc I would say that as a home educated child currently in a top ten UK university along with many of my home educated friends (some of whom plan to head to Oxford this year) it dosn't seem to do us at all badly.

Hope this helps and didn't sound too superior or anything silly like that.


You need to talk with your

You need to talk with your son, a real talk. Dnt resort to activities because thats not going to change his current state of mind. He was obviously hurt and/or confused by his father's choices. He probobly looked up to him more than you know. You may want to consider therapy, or maybe a male mentor that he already respects.

bullied by son

ok why isnt anything being done for the mother.who sits there and permits this hitting. this is a form of bullying,and what more can come out and are we encouraging a man to hit a woman.

bullied by son

THere are several pieces to this proble. THe most urgent being that the mother is in a position where she could be seriously harmed as is the ounger son. THe older son has decided to be the master of the houe but that decision can only be made if he is allowed to make it. The first point is to make very clear that he is not the master of the house. Tell him so repeatedly. TEll him that being in charge is not his responsibility. THe next issue is that by fgailing to control the behaviour and ot failing to help him conbtrol the behaviour you are creating a serious domestic violence risk. THat is not in his or the mother's interest. Violence should always beget consequences and those consequences need to be jusged within your family setting and within what society will tolerate. Yes he feels safe bullying the mother as there will be no censure but some firm verbal censure is essential. HE needs to be told that this is wholly unacceptable and told in a no nonsence way. If telling does not work then principles ned to be put to one side in the interest of the personal safety of the mother and younger son.