User login |
Is Your Child Worried About Death?Posted on the TCS List on Mon, 12 Jun, 2000, at 11:52:23 -0400
I had quoted the following Extropian principle:
A poster replied: Why would anyone want an infinite lifespan? I hope to go with dignity when my time's up. I hope not to “go” at all. Or if we have not solved the death problem by that time, to be cryopreserved with or without dignity. 8-) Death has got to go. Another poster had replied to the first:
Yes, while it seems unlikely that most children would think much about death, in some families, where there has been a death, say, a child might well be concerned about death. In that case, Karen's approach would, it seems prima facie, be very unhelpful. The most important thing to do would be to find out why the child (let's call her Little Tia) is worrying about it and try to solve that problem. Is it that she fears that she might drop dead at any moment just like her Aunty Jane did? Then it would be a good idea to explain that Aunty Jane had died from such-and-such a disease, which old people sometimes (but by no means always – tell her the statistics) get but which Little Tia has not got, and is most unlikely to get until she too is old, and perhaps not even then. It would be wise to mention that by the time Little Tia is old, they may have found a cure for that disease anyway! In general, if a child is worried, try to find out what the worry is, so that you can address it as directly as possible. Tia might be interested to learn about the ways scientists are trying to solve the death problem, and it might make sense to point out to her that it seems likely that by the time she is an old person, our lifespan will have been extended considerably by all the advancements in medicine, etc. Another thing you might want to do, if your child is thinking about death, might be to read her a book such as The First Immortal, by James Halperin, or if she is a bit young to enjoy that, you could tell her about it, or retell the pertinent parts of the story, or tell her about cryonic biostasis. OTOH, her interest in death might be nothing to do with fear of death. It might be that she is upset about no longer having the nice chats she had about Pokemon with her Aunty Jane. Or the trips to the zoo Aunty Jane used to take her on. So before you launch into a discussion of the ins and outs of cryonic suspension, life extension and the like, check that you have correctly identified the problem. ;-)
|
Navigation
RSS Feed
You are welcome to post comments with or without logging in. Logging in does not get you any more content but it does give you a list of recent comments that marks the ones you haven't seen yet, and it also allows signed comments. We will not give out your email address. If you want others to be able to contact you privately, include your email address in your signature.
|
Immortality is horrifying.
Immortality is horrifying. I'll take my death, please.
Death
"You won't catch me goin' 'round dyin' all over the place. They'll have to kill me before I die."
Technically you never die if
Technically you never die if you believe in god... you move on... no body should fear death it is part of life
I was very aware of my own mortality as a child
It is uterly beyond me why anyone would opose the idea of an indefinate lifespan. Those of you who want to die don't have to keep on living unitl the clock runs out. Indefinate lifespan doesn't mean nothing can kill you. It isn't as though we've got some evil genie who's going to force immortality on you long after you've changed your mind about the whole idea. Suacide is a perfectly acceptble option for you if you aren't interested in continuing to live. Forcing a slow death by aging on the rest of us, however, is not acceptable, and equivalent to mass murder.
As a child, I was aware of death, and spent a lot of time struggling with the existential questions that came with the possibility that, one day, I might (in fact almost certainly would) cease to exist. It occupied a central place in my mind for quite some time. What was the meaning of it all if I didn't exist anymore? Did it matter how long I lived if it was certain to end eventually? Why not just end it now?
I'm not sure how used any of you are to hearing suacidal thoughts from a (then) elementary aged child, but it was certainly the case.
To this day, I find it impossible to continue living without some belief that I won't simply cease to exist. Some people find that belief through religeon, but I could never accept (even back then) something that was, by definition, unprovable. As such, I keep looking up research on the aging process, that ticking clock that serves as the final limit on our lives. As much as we've proven our ability to overcome injury and disease, aging is still with us, and until that ultimate time limit no longer plagues us, we'll never be free to live until we tire of living, which is, ultimately, what indefinate lifespan is all about.
Your child might be thinking about death, and might well be aware of his or her own mortality. It's a lie when they tell you that kids all think they're immortal. I didn't, and it scarred the hell out of me for a very long time.
I think I could be as unbiased as ...
Okay, I think I could tell my child about cryonic suspension, and I think I could be as unbiased in the telling as an atheist could be in telling hir child about the belief some people have in God and an afterlife.
I think your children will probably pick up on the fact that you prefer cryonic suspension over religious faith, just as my children will undoubtedly pick up on the fact that I prefer faith in God over cryonic suspension.
Is a belief in Taking Children Seriously incompatible with faith in God? I hadn't seen it that way, though I realize some Christians might. I realize many who embrace TCS are atheists -- but so are many moms who embrace their children through attachment parenting.
So I just saw it as a situation where both religious and non-religious could have good sense about how to treat their children. I'm greatly enjoying your writings -- as well as the writings of Karl Popper. I definitely don't believe I (or any other person) has learned all there is to know about God and the multiverse.
I want to communicate this sense of adventure to my children -- this sense that there's so much out there to learn and do. But I feel it would be wrong not to share my own beliefs and values in the process -- wrong, and also incompatible with TCS theory, which says we SHOULD share our theories and experience with our children in response to their interest.
Susan
Worried about death
hi there, i am in my middle teens and all through my life i have been worried about diing in my sleep. i love life 100% and i cannot really accept death, it frightens my completely. so if i am ill and i go off to bed it takes me hours to get to sleep beacuse of this worry. is there anything i can do?
thank you
Response to Reader Worried About Death
Hi, I'm so happy you love your life 100%. I was actually quite unhappy as a teen -- so it's good to hear about teens who are happy and rejoicing to be alive.
You have so much to look forward to. Since you're happy now, I think you'll be really super happy as an adult: I'm glad I didn't kill myself when I was a depressed teenager, because I've found adult life to be tremendously better.
When you ask, "is there anything I can do"(about the fear of death), I don't want to ignore this question.
We can't do religious proselytizing here -- but maybe it's okay for me to simply share that my faith, prayer, and reading my Bible help me to have peace and conquer this fear as well as any other fear.
Best wishes to you in your journey!
Susan
Re: worried about death
I'm not sure it matters whether or not we can accept death. There just isn't much we can do about it once it happens. We can do what we can to keep ourselves in good shape and health, and being as safe as possible when living our lives.
Being ill is certainly no fun. Lying in bed awake for hours worried one might die in their sleep is not at all likely to keep this from happening yet it is very likely to keep one from enjoying life fully.
What is at the root of the fear? Fear that death is painful and awful? Fear that life would be over and one would miss out on so many things? When we shelter ourselves out of an irrational fear of missing something, we tend to miss out on a lot, if not experiences, the full enjoyment of those experiences.
death
I have just now begun my teenage years and lately all i can think about is death!! Every night i fall asleep thinking about it and it scares the heck out of me. To think of being gone out of the world and not seeing my mom again or friends its just a very crazy feeling.I pray to god everynight to make these thoughts go away but they dont. I dont know quite why im thinkin these thing but its something i can get out of my head!! help me please!
thinking habits
grappling with the concept of death is something that we all do unless such ideas are totally repressed (and don't repressed concerns come back to bite you in the butt in some odd form sooner or later? so no point in doing that).
the article and comments above contain some good ideas about ways to think about death. maybe you, above reader, would enjoy reading the book the first immortal along with other books, articles, discussions about death, and about fear, and about the emotions that come up around the idea of leaving loved ones and/or loved ones leaving you. Maybe this is a good time to explore existentialism.
also, there are thinking habits that a person can develop to distract one's self from thinking thoughts that they know they don't want to be thinking, when undesirable thoughts keep looping around and around. these can vary from person to person, but finding things of more interest to think about, something gripping to read or do when you find yourself looping, could help to break that repetition.
in general, more research, talking to trusted advisors, finding out what other people think, how they have coped, trying something different- like maybe doing an enjoyable workout several hours before going to sleep to help to tire yourself out, or meditating/doing segmental relaxation when wanting to go to sleep- can help to unravel big things that are bothering a person, bit by bit. It is a learning process, not to be feared, but to welcome. I hope you have good trusted help nearby to turn to with this.
very best wishes
thanks
ime in my teens and i can not stop thinking abought death it scars me so much and whats after it but this site has helped me a lot and its comferting to know there people like me THANK YOU TO EVERRYBODY ON THIS SITE
P.S SORRY ABOUT THE SPELLING
Re: Worried about death
If the reason you fear dying is because there's still so much you want to do/get, then follow the old cliche saying 'seize the day'. The best way to get started, in my opinion, is every day, or when you see a window of opportunity closing, is think of something you'd really kick yourself over if that window closed and you didn't do it. Then work up the courage to do it; maybe add that you'll kick yourself or give a group of friends permission to kick you if you don't. That's gotten me to do a few things I wanted to do but wouldn't have otherwise.
...I still need to follow that advice more...>.> <.< >.>
childs fear of dying
My daughter has recently started worring about what is going to happen to her things when she dies. She hasn't directly mentioned being afraid of death, she is just worried about her drawings and things she has made. She is eight years old. I have tried talking to her to try to find out what has trigered this but she says these thoughts just pop into her head. Is this 'normal' for a child her age?
sounds normal to me
... whatever 'normal' is. it is happening, so what to do?
while it might seem to be reassuring to a parent, to figure out 'what has triggered' thoughts that the parent does not understand, it is likely to be intrusive to try to get into a kid's mind and try to figure such a thing out. such a detour does not address the problem being expressed by the child. parent might get an inkling of the origin of the child's concern, in the process of pursuing a solution to the actual problem that the child has identified, but to divert there immediately might be a mistake and actually end up with parent dismissing the child's concerns if parent does not take the 'trigger' seriously. (oh, it was just the dead crow in the road, such things happen; oh, it was just a joke that someone told that you misunderstood; oh, it was just a cartoon show on tv, that's not even real)
so a person's best explanation is that thoughts just pop into hir head. if the thoughts are disturbing, together can you pick it apart to identify what exactly is the concern? what happens to possessions is expressed as the concern: work with that and don't assume further. do we know any children who have died? what happened to their things? what would this owner of things like to have happen to hir things if she was not there to use them any more? people make out wills, to say what happens to their things after they die. would you like to make out a will?
i suspect that we adults have lots of unresolved fears and feelings and beliefs about death, maybe especially when the questioning comes from the mouths of innocent babes and young people with their whole lives ahead of them. none of us wants to dwell on the possiblity of losing a child. but we all have to face these possibilities; some of us have to live through such an experience. facing one's own questions and fears about death, as a parent, and sorting it out rationally can help us to really hear and help our children in their own exploration and knowledge creation about death. it's another example of learning that never ends (until we turn our toes up, or go the cryonic route until something better turns up)
Worried about Death
I was very worried about death for a while especially just before going to sleep. Im not religious so i have no idea what to believe in. I read some of the stories on this site and they are very comforting and have given me so much to believe in after i die. To me now, death is a human created idea. Death itself does not exist. There are two worlds to explore. Your physical body is allowed to explore this galaxy, but for most of us, just planet earth. When you make the change from your physical body into your spiritual body a whole new universe is waiting for you. I would really reccomend anyone who is worried checking out this site: www.near-death.com
Lost in death... From an atheist...
Death is so watered down in modern society by the general myopia. The problem seems to stem from a lack of public acceptance of death. So often you hear that animals were "put to sleep" or "passed away" or something equally as politically correct. Its unfortunate that people view death as a negative. I suppose, however it is inevitable and natural to question our on mortality. It is because death is the only great unknown and everything we know and love's existance relies upon the absense of it. It is then so ironic that we rely on it for meaning in everything we do. Life would be pointless without death. An immortal man would forever envy the mortal man because everything that the mortal man does is so much more beautiful due to the fact that his existance is doomed. He knows he will not be here again, he knows his time is precious, he knows that there are no guarentees, and he knows that death is just as beautiful and nessescerry as life.
my son is afraid of death
my 8 yr old son has recently [the past 2 weeks] been worried about whats going to happen to him when we,, his parents die... or when his sisters die... I've tried to explain that this is something I'm not planning on happeneing to me for another 30-40 yrs and even longer for his sisters.... he'll be fine, then you can see him becoming very sad...I explained that I understand it is very sad when someone we love dies [my dad died 3 yrs ago... his only grandparent he had], but we have wonderful memories, and tried to point out some of the very happy times we have had since my fathers passing, so he understands that he will be fine when one of us passes, even though it won't be a happy part of his life...we continue to live our lives... if this continues, should I speak to his school counselor? I think it started because I had minor foot surgery and he was terrified something would go wrong..
My son is afraid that something will happen to me or dad
My son is 7 years old and just lately it has come to light that he has a fear that when he is at school something will happen to me or his dad. I have explained to him that nothing will and that we both intend on living to an old all being well!.
I have noticed a trigger point and that is when he hears the word 'life' he gets very sad and starts to cry. He tells me he has had these feelings for a while and cannot get them out of his head.
I have said to him that when he gets the feelings to try to think of some thing that makes him happy.
Last year my nan died and both my husband and I agreed that both our children should go which they did. My youngest became very inquistive at the sight of the coffin and the thought of her in it. Could this be where the problem has come from?
really afraid..
hey.....im reeaally scared of death....im 12 and i think about it all the time.....and also for my parents.im afraid that ill be alone.sothng hPPENS and i think that im dying and my heart beat is very quick....im very depressed....plleeeeease help me...(i have it since i was 9)
tnx
Really Afraid
Can you talk to your parents about this?
What you describe about your heartbeat quickening is a normal reaction to being frightened. Taken to extremes, it could be a panic attack, but I don't think you are dying.
Where in the world are you? In the UK we have some confidential telephone support charities, most notably, Childline (0800 1111). There are probably similar things in the US.
It is pretty unlikely that one of your parents will die before you are an adult, and even less likely that they both will.
I'm 32 and both my parents are alive and well, as is my grandma.
repost: MY Child was worried about his death
[this comment was left on the wrong article so I am posting it here for Laural]
"My son was just 19 years old four weeks ago. Over the last year he told his father and I a lot of very scarry things about him dying. He didn't understand it and it scared him somewhat. We of course thought that he was having a break down and put him into the hopital at one point. Well the Doctors didn't know what to think about it so they just started him on drugs. Well that was a year ago and four weeks ago he was killed in a car accident. He told his Dad the night he left that he would never see him again and he was right. Now they did an investigation and they say that it was just a very tragic accident. I know now that if your child tells you something like that you may want to listen. We didn't and we are very sorry. We could have done things a lot differently. But now its too late. I love and miss him so much. I would love to be able to tell him, if not permenantly than maybe just one more time. I LOVE YOU BRANDON and where ever you are I send you ALL OUR LOVE. And know if your brother ever says anything like that we will listen to every word."
By laural at 2009/04/28 -
My 4 year old is worried about dying
Thank you for this site. I was just looking around the Internet to see if there's something wrong with my 4 year old boy. He recently realized that he and us (his parents) will die someday. On a couple of occasions, he has cried a lot saying that he doesn't want to die. I do my best not to lie to him, but I just didn't think it was right for a 4 year to be in so much emotional pain, so I told him that people who die go to heaven and that his family will be together in heaven. Now he talks about when he is going to die and go to heaven frequently. And I just ask him not to talk about it, because I don't know how to respond and I don't want him talking about dying all the time! Does anyone else know of a child this age worrying about dying (without someone in their lives dying)? Any suggestions for how to help him stop worrying?
thank you
Hi im 16 years old and i have recently been really afraid of death and what happens after, but reading these stories and different point of views is really comforting. knowing that others are also going through the same problems as me makes me feel like im not alone :)
Death... Why.?
hey my name is corey. im 15 and i dont like death... im upset that sometime in a few seconds to a few years my grandparents will die. and im also worried about myself. now i have something as a religeon... i beleve in a god of some sort... i mean seriously... think about it. physics and time and gravity and darkmatter in the universe. what if our life is just someone elses science experiment???? or what if its something more!!! like our whole universe.. in another universe. and on some foreign planet we are an atom of some kind on its soil?. thats a lot to think about..... honestly i dont wanna die... and i know that someday i will. but i dont want too... i cant keep my mind off of it... what should i do? i mean im not suicidal! im too scared to die lol... but i just know someday ill not be here... and before i die i will lose everyone.. everybody that i love!. i dont want to die. yet what is the point of living in a world with 6.7 billion other people, of wich most dont give a darn about the planet or the other people on it.... what if they dont want to die.... i just need someone to talk too. with religeon howver i am not in a specific one... i just think that there is something someone... and maby even god. but i dont want to die. my mom is christian and she says death is only the beginning to life. however i just dont know... and there are too many religeons so i am just more less waiting to find out when i die... and if theres nothing... well o well.... D= =( (~.~)
Memento mori
Just wanted to toss out some ideas for those worried about their own mortality. I don't know if this will calm you, but it certainly calms me.
First of all, think back to the time before you were conceived. Was it uncomfortable in any way? Certainly not; your brain did not exist then, and likewise neither did any of your present senses or thought processes. That time may as well never have existed for you. Why expect anything different after death? If there is agony in death, it is all in the anticipation.
Why, then, do some people fear death with such dread anticipation? To answer that, think of the people who do not fear death. One person I can think of is my grandmother, who, as an ill octogenarian, saw nothing wrong with death and even welcomed it. She had achieved many goals in her life, and was quite content to leave things at that.
What, then, are the goals we pursue that can conquer even our fear of death? I submit that bringing new humans into the world and helping them become responsible adults is the foremost death-conquering goal. Another is to protect and promote our family, our friends, or our tribes.
We are evolved creatures with evolved minds, and so we are mentally driven in countless ways to increase our reproductive fitness -- that is, to increase the reproductive potential of ourselves, our family, and our whole genetic in-group, up to and including the entire human race. As we achieve such fitness, we often find deep psychological satisfaction transcending even the fear of death.
So whether you are a religious believer or not, embrace your legacy as the descendant of an extremely long line of creatures, all of whom managed to escape death long enough to raise a new generation. Find your unique talents and exploit them for your family and your fellow humans. Dedicate yourself sufficiently to this cause and even death itself cannot undo your life's legacy.
One final thought: in biological systems, there is never any such thing as stasis. An organism is either growing and metabolizing, or it is dying and decaying. If you want to ward off death, your best bet is to pursue constant growth in body and mind.
5 year old scared of dying
How is your son doing now? I have the same problem with my 5 year old, but the heaven story does not work with him...... Any other suggestions
My 4 year old
Hi,
I just wanted to say that I'm going through the very same thing with my 4 year old. It's VERY upsetting! Tonight he said to me "mom? when I die will you go to my grave and dig me up and bring me home with you?" all while getting choked up with tears in his eyes. It was heart breaking. I keep explaining to him that he doesn't have to worry, that he will be an old man in a very long time...
Anyway, I've just noticed that you wrote this a few months ago. I hope he's moved past it, and that mine will too...
Katherine
My 7 year old son's fear of death
My son has a fear of death. He's a thinker. Since he was 3, he gets lost in thought. His first panic attack about his fear of death, I was able to calm him down with "heaven". Around the age of 4, he wasn't buying the heaven thing...he told me that heaven is something that grown-ups tell children to make them happy. What 4 year old says that? He's an only child. Around the age of 5, he had another death/fear/panic attack--This time I calmed him down with reincarnation. The thought of him coming back to earth as a duck or a turtle was exciting to him. Around the age of 6, he had another P attack--This time I explained how there are a million eggs inside of my body, and he was the only egg that was chosen to become a person. He understood and realized how lucky I was to be the chosen egg from Grandma. All has been well, until last night. He was reading, I was knitting. He bursted out in tears, yelling, "I don't want to die, I won't be able to come back". He then said he couldn't breathe, I tried to calm him with eye contact and counting together...it didn't work. He then projectile vomited all over the place! The barfing made him stop thinking about death. I've been researching this ever since. Help?
Sometimes..
Sometimes; some children will get the wrong idea about death. When they are young, they dont understand. Those children that are actually reality based know that it is a part of life, and its not something to look forward to or something to be afraid of. You just have to wait until children grow up a bit and learn about life and death and the reasons for it. You cannot force a child into being mature about the situation and you cannot force a child to understand, but if you dont let them grow up at their own pace, well, they might be bombarded with messages of death and dying, that arent necessarily true. You just have got to understand we grow up at OUR OWN PACES! Dont tell us about death and dying; we frankly don't need that.
Myself and my son fear of death
I (aged 32) have had a fear of death (when? family members? will I know? is there anything on "the other side"? etc.) for approximately ten years. Over the years I was put on and off anti-depressants throughout this time, never actually getting to the root of the problem that was triggering my panic attacks and depression. I am not religious and have talked to a counselor and friends - which helped sometimes. At the moment I am doing well and am looking forward to things happening in my life. I also find that "mindfulness" (living in the now) helps. I have always thought I shielded my son (aged 12) from these feelings and thoughts. Until recently. He has come to me several times crying and upset about dying and him not wanting to. He does have a belief in "god" but is now questioning this, which I understand is normal. As I have these exact same feelings I am finding it extremely hard comforting him and would I would love some advice. There are no definitive answers and I know that no one knows the answers but maybe some suggestions of books that would be suitable for him.
Post new comment