Great Change of Mind Without Self-Sacrifice

Kristel Nybondas

Thanks to TCS in my everyday life....

....I have noticed that I have changed my mind about a lot of small practical every day things that used to bother me and made my life more complicated, even before the children. This has not happened only by thinking about them, but by doing things differently and after that realising that I've been extremely inflexible about how I view myself(and through that, others at times). I might still prefer certain things and I'm perfectly free to do as I wish but there is no self-sacrifice in helping children do similar things differently.

Once I realised this I also realised that I hadn't been self-sacrificing at all, in certain areas. Nor did I defer. This hasn't diminished “the practical doings”, BUT emotionally I feel completely different. Help feels like helping and not like a stress.

Change can be extremely good. That was one of my fears throughout my life. This fear of doing things/beginning to think differently caused a lot of mental pain for me. I even used to think that I was a very flexible person, and partly I was, otoh, not at all. I used to actively NOT think at all about painful issues, leading to big emotional outbursts at some point instead. Outbursts that never helped, because it hurt so much that I only endured and then pushed the subject away again in my mind, when I was exhausted enough. No growth happened. No new knowledge. Just going in circles.

The idea of little tyrants leading our lives is deeply entrenched I think. If we live by that attitude it affects them. It's a statement of mistrust and not supportive of the capabilities children have. I don't think certain expectations automatically lead to certain outcomes, but I do think that a negative assumption about where the line between self sacrifice and helping goes, actually creates more self-sacrifice in the mind of the person thinking about it.

I think the most difficult thing about all of this is to know oneself, and realising what kind of things are good things to do in order to help children(and oneself) grow knowledge.

It might be that some things one thought were perfectly fine wasn't that at all, that the self-sacrifice was completely elsewhere, and vice versa. One might end up actually doing and thinking in ways that are very surprising if one does the, imo, mistake of comparing things too much, with other people, but also with our past self.

Comments

Isn't it wonderful?!?

I can relate to so much of what you are saying here, Kristel.

What I have been noticing recently is that I have a much deeper interest and curiosity in a lot more subjects and ideas than I used to have. I find myself genuinely interested in how things work, and how to do things -- all stuff that used to bore me, or overwhelm me. It is as though I am truly alive for the first time. Instead of being in my "second childhood" I think I'm in my first! :-)

I think my mind was so full of worry about what other people would think, and trying to do everything "well" and being the right and good person from everyone else's point of view -- that I often never really got beyond that to any degree. It was/is an ugly trap. When parenting came along, I wanted to have "good" children, and to be a "good" mother.

TCS ideas have freed me from a great deal of that kind of dehabilitating thinking. And now I am free. I am free in a way that I never thought possible. And I feel as though all of life has opened up to me and I can go down whatever path I choose. Life is good!! A big thank you to all the TCS folks who have helped with this journey.

I haven't changed my mind

My life turned out to be much, much harder than I ever thought, when I wrote those previous words. But even more important. If I'd never had encountered these thoughts, ever, I would have had some unnecessary mind "boggling" going on, in my mind about how the heck to keep on supporting my children without giving up. Really. I was so alone, so tired, exhausted, and mind me, nothing new if you want to survive. But then again I just knew that you only need to wake up on bright/snowy/or any bad(or not) morning, eat your eggs and go out :-)

My point is, there really is something to be done, all the time. Sometimes you give up a bit, wake up the next morning AS alone as yesterday. But, the thought of being alive and kicking, listening, trying to just breathe a little bit more. Stop demanding, wishing on your own. In doing that you'll probably take one step in a good direction and you still do NOT need to force your children to...eat eggs?? :-)

Just hug them all you can and say good morning :-)