... or, for that matter, "we do". Or any of those other creepy laying-down-the-law statements that pretend to be all nicey-nice. "We don't eat chocolate for breakfast". "We share our toys when people come to visit".

tbh, I think I find a parent saying "you're not allowed to eat chocolate for breakfast" or whatever less annoying, although I suppose it sounds nastier. The child can (at least theoretically) turn round and say "Why on earth not?". Even if they daren't voice that, at least they can think it, and work along that line of thinking.

Now I look back at the statements that make you cringe, canyonstar, I see that those too are part of this fakely abstract, nothing-to-do-with-me-personally style of parental discipline, which is so horribly, horribly manipulative. Yuk!

"You'll understand when you're older."

Elliot

"Is (s)he good?"

I really, *really* hate it when people instruct their children to express physical affection. Hey, the kid will give grandma a kiss if she wants to!

"You were so good when we were [somewhere the child dislikes] I'm going to take you [somewhere the child likes]."

I've been known to say, truthfully, that something went so well that I have energy to do something else of the child's choice. And we've had weak common preferences that involved trading tolerance of the other's preferred activity - in the absence of a happy robust common preference.

But the carrot and stick! Oh yuck.

if I've got this straight ... if a child wants to stick flaming daggers in his eyes because he is three and stupid, do you let him?

arrrggghhh :::: runs screaming from the room ::::

TCS, yup folks, it really IS rocket science ;)

come ON! Adults should know better than to BLACKMAIL their own CHILDREN!

It's a bit sick, disgusting, and immature.

The child is almost certainly listening. He or she isn't "obeying," for which this is a euphamism.

as in "You need to clean up."
"You need to share.:
"You need to be home by 8."
"You need to do your homework."

"Need to" is being used as a tricky replacement for "must" or "should" to cover up whose "need" is being expressed.

"When I was your age __________"

This is just an example of the many 'had it tougher than thou' lines parents so love to crack. I really hate it when parents try to give their child/ren some sort of guilt trip for being miserable by sharing one of their boring, washed-up life stories. Lines like "when I was your age blah blah blah" usually are meant to express that the parents had a much rougher life than the child, therefore the child should shut the hell up and stop feeling down/angry/bad/whatever. As far as I'm concerned, the quality of every person's life is equal in its own relative little way: Some get to explore more in life, some are better-nurtured, some learn the most, etc. This goes for how hard your life may be, too. And yet parents like this never get it, and selfishly categorize misery solely or almost entirely based on their own life experiences when they've never even been in their child's shoes. For example, a parent who grew up in poverty and starvation will probably think that if their child is raised in a very nurturing, rich environment, he/she will have no right to feel miserable. And I would bet that even if the child did end up in a poverty-stricken environment and suffered from starvation like their parent did, the parent would still act like he/she has seen it all and would probably still try and convince the child of not being able to keep things in perspective and not allowed to feel like they're going through a hard time. I'm sorry, but these types of parents really need to get bent.

One annoying thing I've been hearing recently -- is the accusation that I'm "scared" of my children's "big feelings."

This because I care how my children perceive my behavior towards them: I don't think it's enough just for ME to know I love my children: I think THEIR perceptions matter just as much as mine.

Apparently some people perceive my caring as cowardice.

Susan

Recently an acquaintance asked if I ever thought of forcing my child to do something he doesn't want to do. I didn't even know what she meant, so I asked. She told me she thinks that, while guiding a child toward things, part of growing up is having your parents 'make you' do things- for instance, playing a sport for years that a parent has forced a child to play even though the child absolutely hated it; that this would teach the child that she could survive things she loathes. Like this is a good lesson? It's certainly disrespectful to the child.

Yes I do force my son (10 months) to have his teeth brushed.
However I think it is daft to force a child to do sport. It is quite easily resolveable. Perhaps stop sport for a bit or offer other sports. Sometimes there might be an issue with the people one is playing with, in which case a change, or a lone sport might be better.
I remember hating PE at school but loving Karate outside school, which I went to 3 times a week, loved and was good at.

Any ideas on the tooth brushing issue are welcome. Forcing makes the issue worse at the moment because the struggle increases the risk of bumped gums. I'm glad I don't have someone else to brush my teeth.
Forcing I use as a last resort and think it should be avoided if at all possible.

http://p081.ezboard.com/fsageparentingfrm17.showMessage?topicID=3181.topic

http://p081.ezboard.com/fsageparentingfrm13.showMessage?topicID=341.topic

http://p081.ezboard.com/fsageparentingfrm13.showMessage?topicID=134.topic

Lots of ideas about toothbrushing there.

and here...

http://p075.ezboard.com/ftcscommunityfrm50.showMessage?topicID=1.topic

I hated my parents! They were mean; At the age of 13 I had never been to disneyland, or any amusment or theme park, thiugh my folks went on an "Adults only" cruise to the Bahamas anuually, leaving me with a babysitter I hardely knew. They claimed they couldn't afford Girl Scouts, or summer camp, or daycare. I never got to decorate my room; the theme was white and green. I only had one barbie doll, while our 1200 dollar dog got French Pedicures! We had a pool with a waterslide and waterfall that was off limits to me when my parents weren't home, and they both worked overtime schedules! My prom dress was my Mom's old bridesmaid dress, and the only place I ever got anything was at my grandmothets house, and she lived hundreds of miles away!

as well as comments like
"children obey" or "children obey their parents...for this is right"

"because I said so"

"do as you're told"

"no arguing"

ok i hate when my aunt and uncle (i live with them!) tell me im doing something im most definately not.
the criticize me just because i came from an imperfect mom.
they sit there and blame me for things i am not doin!
it pisses me off so effin much!

I really hated it when my parents (and sister for that matter) cornered me into saying things I didn't necessarily mean, or things that would embarrass me. It really hurts. That is the one thing I will be absolutely sure never to do when I become a parent.

i just feel so bad when I see parents forcing their children to hold thier hands when walking in public places. I mean, they know who you are and you know who your child is,they wont get lost, why dont you stop being so controlling.

I always wondered why some grown ups would talk to me in a sing song voice, like I couldn't understand normal speech. Did they think I was stupid because I was young, or it would make me like them? It just left me bewildered as to how I was supposed to respond - respond and it confirms to them I am stupid, because I'm talking to someone who thinks I'm an idiot - not respond because they've made me feel bad, and it confirms to them I'm an idiot, because I can't respond. Maybe I was stupid. I had no idea dinosaurs were real until I was an adult. I thought the grown ups thought children were so dumb they needed to invent something so oversized and unrealistic to impress us.

My biggest cringe is when people tell children off just for being there. 'Stop interrupting/interfering/ bothering so and so' because what they mean is 'I can't be bothered to acknowledge you so don't ask them to talk to instead.

Aaaaaarrrggghhhh!!! You wouldn't treat me that way - I'm an adult. Why are you doing it to them?

I live in Los Angeles and I hear this exact threat all too often from well-manicured women dragging around suffering toddlers. I can't help but cringe at the astonishing egotism inherent in the statement.

The three-year-old is really expected to understand his mother's fluctuating need for mental tranquility, and to respect it ahead of all his own needs? And his behavior is not an attempt to communicate, but some kind of gratuitous violence that he "does to" his mother?

The iceberg of which this is the tip terrifies me.

And although this isn't verbal, one of my biggest peeves is when an adult spits on a napkin and wipes a child's face with it. My relatives would ambush me with this trick all the time as a little kid and I hated it. What a humiliating experience to smell the stench of some adult's saliva drying on your face. If it's so hard to procure water or wet-wipes, can't we just use children's own saliva? Heaven knows they produce enough of it!

We here at FGMS personally hate it when our parents say "maybe".... It irks our nerves.;; My parents say stupid stuff like;;; "Wait and we'll see," and "Sorry, but you cant. It's too late." Yes mom; we can, and no dad; it's not too late.

It reminds me of Jim Crow South crap to have little kids call me Miss Virginia. All of my friends do it.