Motivation, building stronger relationships with parents, and parenting with ultimatum.

My mother and I don't seem to know how to team up and help each other with our problems, and I find that very much a problem. I just basically want to know how we can be two pieces of the same puzzle, her understanding my situation in life and changing for me, and me being able to help her with her obstacles, and myself growing as a person. Hi. I'm seventeen, currently attending high-school. I have a few questions, and I was wondering if TCS could spare some advice.

(Just some backround) I tend to be a very negative person, and I often feel a lot of jealous and posessive feelings toward my girlfriend. I tend to be happy in social situations, but when it's just me, my mind wanders a lot. These past couple years I've had a hard time falling asleep at the right time, and I tend to feel as if doing anything physical that is a chore or task just plain arduous. I don't have any motivation really to do any of the things I wish to do, or have to do. My mother is a good woman, but she suffers from the same lack of motivation and optimism that I do. She's an alcholic that tends to fall off the wagon a lot, and it's hard to deal with her when she's drunk. Especially because she can become violent, and the situations she puts herself in and also puts me in can escalate, never to extreme conditions, and I don't hit my mother. The situation seems to be looked at as my fault, and my mother just constantly rants to people, saying that I abuse her when she's drunk, but doesn't even remember the events that happened (she blacks out a lot). I'm seventeen; I've made a lot of mistakes in my life, and I know my mom has as well. But I cannot help her with her addictions, and I myself have started smoking again. My mother and I don't seem to know how to team up and help each other with our problems, and I find that very much a problem. I just basically want to know how we can be two pieces of the same puzzle, her understanding my situation in life and changing for me, and me being able to help her with her obstacles, and myself growing as a person. Another thing I wanted to ask about was a parenting situation. I am not a parent, and I don't plan on having children until I'm married and finanically stable, but while I'm not at that point, I would like to build up a kind of model of how to raise my child(ren) so that he/she/they don't fall into the same cycle as the parents that have preceeded them. Anyway, I want to know, how can you teach your children without saying to them "Well if you don't do this, then this will happen." Giving them ultimatim. Like, as a child, I was never really put into the routine of washing my face and brushing and flossing on a normal basis. So now I struggle with trying to add structure to my basic hygeine routine. I want my children to learn that by brushing their teeth and scrubbing their face can have a multitude of benefits, and now I've just realized how stupid it is of a seventeen year old to be thinking about being a parent, heh. Do you think it's a stupid thought?

Motivation

Drakey -

The good news is that you sound like an extremely intelligent and moral person.

The bad news is that, I'm sorry to say, your mom does not :(

Wondering if there is a helpful adult in your life so that you do not have to bear the brunt of your mom's problems. She needs help and understanding but not at the cost of your own well being.

As for falling asleep at 'the right time' you might want to figure out what the right time ought to be for you. It's hard to sleep if youre not sufficiently tired and I also think hormones affect things like sleep.

As for motivation why not figure out ways to do less of what you think you must do, and find more of what really sparks an internal light. This can take a while but if you just begin noticing what draws you I think it's likely you might find it.

** now I've just realized how stupid it is of a seventeen year old to be thinking about being a parent, heh. Do you think it's a stupid thought?**

I think it's a brilliant thought and shows how optimistic you are about the future.

Warm regards, Luci

Thanks

Thank you very much for your feedback Luci. It turns out things might be getting a little better... Right now, the past couple of days have been pretty bad, I've been sick, and I haven't been going to school. My mom is finally considering something that I've been really excited about. Cyber School. I really hope I can become enrolled, because then I won't have to worry about the sleep issue, hee hee. But much thanks for the time spent writing back to my question, and if you would I would appreciate more conversation.

Hi Drakey

It sounds like a tough situation with your mom there. For the sleep, I think it's just to go to sleep whenever you feel tired but not before. Also, try not to eat for four hours before sleeping because this will give your digestion system time to finish, allowing you to sleep far more easily when the time comes.

I think maybe your mom needs some form of counselling to help her with her drink problem. It's making both of your lives harder. As for the reference to parenting a child, I think the TCS response is to suggest and offer alternatives. So rather than giving an "ultimatum", being at all coercive (especially even considering punishments), you simply suggest that they should, for example, brush and floss their teeth. Then give the reasons why; show that you do it regularly too. And then give your honest opinion about what you think will happen if they don't. Obviously this shouldn't be used as a form of "scare tactics" but merely to give them the knowledge they need to make an informed decision.

I just re-read your post from the top again. It sounds like you have some form of depression; not having motivation to do some things like you mentioned is often caused by feeling down a lot. My personal opinion is that the medical world and establishment will simply give you some drugs to take, which I would never consider. Here is an interesting article that I recommend: http://www.nov55.com/hea/food.html

A sort of "testament" to the website I gave is http://rawreform.com/ It's obviously concentrating on weight loss, but the person who its about - if you read her journals and so on - changed into a much more positive and active person, the complete antidote to the way you are describing, perhaps.

Be warned, though, this advice is from me, and I'm seventeen too! :-) I hope your situation improves and you feel happier soon.

kudos,

Jamey

you may be suffering from

you may be suffering from lack of love syndrome... :) that would make a person down, and negative, and feel easily jealous, especially since a girlfriend might be the only relationship that can be respectful to you (whether it is or not), so naturally you'd want to hold on to that... try to give yourself the unconditional love that your parent(s) could have given you in a better world, so to speak...

children giving me ultimatums

I have 2 sons aged 11 and 13 and I have been divorced from thier father for 2 years and a half years now. I have settled down and am engaged with a man they both "said" they liked then loved for almost 2 years. Their dad has dated 4 women in that time; one of them moving in for several months and 2 with small children. Their Dad has told them he would break up with any women they don't like and actually did with one woman that has a small boy. They are now about to get back together 6 months after the fact.

My problem is my 13 year old son around Christmas began actiing very rude and demeaning to my younger son and I got upset with him a lot about it telling him it was not acceptable to hit and name call his younger brother. He told me at Christmas he no longer liked my then boyfriend and would be coming every other weekend. A few weeks later he gave me the ultimatum either get rid of bf or I am not coming at all. I told him that he would not tell me what I can do with my life since there was not a valid explaination for the sudden "hate" other than we were telling him to stop hurting his brother and disciplining him verbally. Now my younger son has said he won't come. I met with him for Mother's Day and told him we can just do stuff together without my fiance and he said he was ok with coming every other weekend and back to every other week if we moved closer to his school (we communte an hour). I said that can be done. He seemed happy but 1 hour after returning to his Dad's house I get the same ultimatum!! He said he even asked his brother and he would come back if I left my fiance. What do I do? I deserve to be happy. There is no fighting at our house. My fiance and I get along great and he is fun loving and plays great with the boys. It is not really about that I think. How do I convince my boys our relationship has nothing really to do with my fiance? How do I make them see I love them no matter who I marry? -T