- What is TCS?!
- TCS Philosophy
- TCS Practicalities
- Impressions & Experiences
- Articles
- Quotations
- Glossary
- TCS Posting Guidelines
- TCS Discussion Board
- The TCS List
- How TCS started
- We Love TCS!
- Contact TCS
- Be Part of This!
RSS Feed
"Harmful to children", where did this phrase come from?
Odds are it was originated by an adult (18 and over).
Child censorship is an issue we shouldn't ignore.
No child above 12 years old should have restrictions about what he or she might get to see or hear.
Let's say a child of 13 wants to play a mature video game containing gory violence, nudity, and sexually stimulating situations (although no real sex is involved).
Instead of taking away any chance the child might have of seeing it, sit down with your child in a "one on one" and calmly discuss it as if you were in a college debate.
Really consider these points instead of just disregarding them, and enforcing your own law.
Become a "cool" parent in your kid's eyes by treating him or her as an equal, and your bond can only get stronger.
I'd like to stress, I am not a parent, nor am I a professional in child psychiatry.
I just remember how I felt growing up, not that my parents didn't do a good job of raising me.
I just think the "old school" way of thinking, is really not good enough.
I'm sure it was written here before, but I think it bares repeating:
For more information, visit esrb.org (contents must not be copied and links within site must not be posted).
My mother and I don't seem to know how to team up and help each other with our problems, and I find that very much a problem. I just basically want to know how we can be two pieces of the same puzzle, her understanding my situation in life and changing for me, and me being able to help her with her obstacles, and myself growing as a person. Hi. I'm seventeen, currently attending high-school. I have a few questions, and I was wondering if TCS could spare some advice.
(Just some backround) I tend to be a very negative person, and I often feel a lot of jealous and posessive feelings toward my girlfriend. I tend to be happy in social situations, but when it's just me, my mind wanders a lot. These past couple years I've had a hard time falling asleep at the right time, and I tend to feel as if doing anything physical that is a chore or task just plain arduous. I don't have any motivation really to do any of the things I wish to do, or have to do.
My mother is a good woman, but she suffers from the same lack of motivation and optimism that I do. She's an alcholic that tends to fall off the wagon a lot, and it's hard to deal with her when she's drunk. Especially because she can become violent, and the situations she puts herself in and also puts me in can escalate, never to extreme conditions, and I don't hit my mother. The situation seems to be looked at as my fault, and my mother just constantly rants to people, saying that I abuse her when she's drunk, but doesn't even remember the events that happened (she blacks out a lot).
I'm seventeen; I've made a lot of mistakes in my life, and I know my mom has as well. But I cannot help her with her addictions, and I myself have started smoking again. My mother and I don't seem to know how to team up and help each other with our problems, and I find that very much a problem.
My 2.5yr old sometimes hits, pushes and throws - what ought I to do about it?My 2.5yr hold is normally a very pleasant toddler, very peaceful and calm and non-confrontational. But occassionally she throws things, and sometimes they're heavy things that could do some damage, for no particular reason as well as when she's angry. If we ask her not to do something (and we don't often do so!), she sometimes hits us. When she's going through a bad patch this happens more and more often and quite often includes pushing her baby sister over, or hitting her. She's not a hard work toddler, and I expect the occassional meltdown when life doesn't make sense, and respect her needs as much as I possibly can (she's still breastfed, sleeps in our bed, isn't forced to do anything she doesn't want to do) but I'm finding this unpleasant behaviour very hard to deal with - in fact I haven't a clue how to deal with it! My instant reaction is to snap, or say 'no' very firmly (although ideally we try not to say 'no' to her!) - it makes me very angry to see her hit/throw/push - but I'm very aware that it's probably not the best course of action. I'd very, very much appreciate some guidance or suggestions or anything!
Many thanks
Clare
My 2.5yr old sometimes hits, pushes and throws - what ought I to do about it?My 2.5yr hold is normally a very pleasant toddler, very peaceful and calm and non-confrontational. But occassionally she throws things, and sometimes they're heavy things that could do some damage, for no particular reason as well as when she's angry. If we ask her not to do something (and we don't often do so!), she sometimes hits us. When she's going through a bad patch this happens more and more often and quite often includes pushing her baby sister over, or hitting her. She's not a hard work toddler, and I expect the occassional meltdown when life doesn't make sense, and respect her needs as much as I possibly can (she's still breastfed, sleeps in our bed, isn't forced to do anything she doesn't want to do) but I'm finding this unpleasant behaviour very hard to deal with - in fact I haven't a clue how to deal with it! My instant reaction is to snap, or say 'no' very firmly (although ideally we try not to say 'no' to her!) - it makes me very angry to see her hit/throw/push - but I'm very aware that it's probably not the best course of action. I'd very, very much appreciate some guidance or suggestions or anything!
Many thanks
Clare
My 2.5yr old sometimes hits, pushes and throws - what ought I to do about it?My 2.5yr hold is normally a very pleasant toddler, very peaceful and calm and non-confrontational. But occassionally she throws things, and sometimes they're heavy things that could do some damage, for no particular reason as well as when she's angry. If we ask her not to do something (and we don't often do so!), she sometimes hits us. When she's going through a bad patch this happens more and more often and quite often includes pushing her baby sister over, or hitting her. She's not a hard work toddler, and I expect the occassional meltdown when life doesn't make sense, and respect her needs as much as I possibly can (she's still breastfed, sleeps in our bed, isn't forced to do anything she doesn't want to do) but I'm finding this unpleasant behaviour very hard to deal with - in fact I haven't a clue how to deal with it! My instant reaction is to snap, or say 'no' very firmly (although ideally we try not to say 'no' to her!) - it makes me very angry to see her hit/throw/push - but I'm very aware that it's probably not the best course of action. I'd very, very much appreciate some guidance or suggestions or anything!
Many thanks
Clare
What Karl Popper has to say that is relevant to education.
What should I have done, after observing what looked like a scary kind of parenting?I don't have a lot to say about this; I'm just a dabbler in the site at the moment, being a little too old for a child's perspective and a little too, err, childless for a parent's.
However, I'm curious what anyone else might make of this:
I'll skip the details of the circumstance, except to note that it was at the house of an acquaintance (not so well-known as to be a friend). A relation of that acquaintance was there with her children--one girl of about two or three, the other less than a year. More than once I heard the mother correct her kids simply by bellowing, "NO!" It sounded like a snarling dog, and at the same time, like the sort of short commands which are used to get through to dogs. One could hear her from another floor of the house.
We're not even necessarily talking about her reprimanding the children for doing something wrong. The only specific case I recall is when one of them wandered rather near the top of a staircase. It was definitely a command, though, not a word of warning or a cry of alarm.
This was not a person with whom I would feel comfortable having a general discussion on parenting, much less criticising her (even politely). That's partly because I barely know her, and partly because I'm nineteen years old (eighteen then) and don't expect to be treated as if I know the first thing about raising kids. (Which, I suppose, I don't, except in that I was one fairly recently.)
Was there any way to voice my horror raise my concern without creating an uncomfortable situation all around?
How to help a child to try school safely.
To ensure that your child loves visiting the dentist, read this!
Are schools inherently coercive, or is that just a property of all (or nearly all?) existing schools, and come the revolution, could there be TCS schools?
My two boys are 5 and 6. They, have been having behavior problems at their summer day care center. The six year old in particular has been acting in an inappropriate manner. These problems are escalating. At first he either refused to follow or ignored directions (such as getting out of the pool, etc.) I understand that this is relatively normal, but despite our best efforts his behavior has not improved In fact, it has worsened. He began running away from the group and pulling temper tantrums. We were concerned of course and were working hard to help him understand that one of the natural consequences of misbehaving is that you don't have as much fun.
Then he started hitting people. First he got into a fist fight with another child. Another time he tried to knock someone down. The last straw came when he was put in time out (again). He refused, and then HIT AND KICKED THE COUNCILOR. They had to send him home. I told him that he was grounded from TV for two days. He threw a fit.
That's not the major problem.
After I calmed down I sat down to talk to him. The conversation went like this:
Me: "Devon, why did you kick the councilor?"
Him: (reluctantly) "I dunno, I just did".
Me: We don't hit other people. Do you know why?"
Him: "nooo"
Me: "please try and think of a reason OK?"
Him:"Ummm because it's bad"
Me: But what makes it bad?
Him: Because I'm not supposed to.
Me: What does it feel like when someone kicks you?
Him: I don't like it
Me: Why not?
Him: because it hurts
Me: So how do you think other people feel when you kick them?
Him: *shrug*
Me: Do you think that they like it?
Him: *shakes head*
Me: Right. They don't like it. It hurts to get kicked, right?
Him: *nods*
Me: So we don't kick people OK?
Him: *nods reluctantly*
Me: Why do we not kick people?
Him: Ummm...because I'm not supposed to.
I wanted to tear my hair out.
Later I tried a different approach. I asked him to describe his normal day. Not only did I want to get a clearer picture of what had lead up to the incident I honestly wanted to know how he spent his day.
Despite having been influenced by our very own David Deutsch, John Holt was not as close to TCS as we might have hoped.
Mary Ann points out that if a friend knocked over a cup, we would help clean it up, so why not do so for our children too?
How close is the thing we TCS folk call “coercion” to “coercion” in everyday usage?
Sue Cvach has some advice for parents whose young children seem to be lashing out against their siblings.
Do not assume that a child is acting irrationally just because he or she wants to go to school.
Sometimes it helps to step back and get things in perspective.
"Time Out" — Time Off or Serving Time?
(Not) Doling Out Looks and Latitude
Are schools inherently coercive?
Atheist Parents on How to Treat Teenagers
Authority
Beware the Curriculum Mentality
Breaking The Spiral Of Coercion
But if we don't make her do maths...
Can An Emotion Be Wrong?
Carseat In A Medical Emergency?
Children Are Not Born Knowing Right And Wrong
Children's Rights and the Law
Choosing Creativity
Choosing to go to school or Iraq
Coercion — the Meaning of the Word
Common Preferences and Non-coercion
Common Preferences and Solving Problems Non-coercively
Creativity and Untidiness
Curious Young Children Taking Things Apart
Do the Kids Rule?
Does educational freedom lead to big gaps in knowledge?
Does Your Child Love Visiting The Dentist?
Doing Nothing Academically?
Don't Wait Until You're Perfect
Enacting a Theory
Feeding The Family: Some Tips For the Cooking-Phobic
Feeling Bad
Forget About It!
Help! Child Hates Eyepatch!
Housework Help For a Harried Mother
How did TCS start?
How do you get children excited about maths?
How to Avoid Giving Unwanted Answers to Unasked Questions
How Would You Like It?
In Defence of TV Soap Operas
Introduction to Taking Children Seriously
Introduction to Taking Children Seriously (TCS)
Introduction to TCS Theory
Is Hiding Medicine In Your Child's Food Wrong?
Is Your Child Worried About Death?
Junk Food Worries
Learning to Sleep
Lying About Lying
Medical Emergencies
Moralyzin' Maggie
More TCS Discussions on the Net
My Heavenly-Horrific Vision of TCS
Natural Consequences
No Way Out - And Loving It
Noticing That You Have Changed Your Mind
Obligations And Helping One Another
On “Educational” Computer Games
One Blogger's Thoughtful Commentary on TCS
Optimism
Parental Aversions
Parenting By The Book
Positive Interpretations
Practical TCS
Putting Education First
Questioning Natural Consequences
Reacting to an Angry Child
Requiring Children To Do Chores
Respecting Other People's Wishes
Scowl
Smash the TV and Burn all the Books
Snapshot
Sooooo Bored In School
Supporting a Child's Choice to Go to School
Taking A Wrong Turn
Taking Education Seriously
Taking Toys Seriously (Yes, Really)
TCS and Fallibilism
TCS and Karl Popper
TCS and Military Training and Organisation
TCS Parenting Is Self-Improving
TCS Theory and Practice
TCS-Related Quotations
TCS: It Is Rocket Science!
The Bed-Making Story
The Cognitive Capacity Argument
The Dark Side of John Holt
The Demon of the Flickering Light
The Education of Karl Popper
The Importance of Video Games
The New TCS Discussion Forum Is Up!
The TCS Survey (1997)
The ‘Keeping One's Options Open’ Mentality
There But For An Internet Post Go I...
Treat Information About Local Education Authorities With Caution
Unschooling and Academic Education 1
Unschooling And Academic Education 2
Unschooling And Academic Education 3
Unschooling and Karl Popper
Unschooling And Schooling as a Continuum
Video Games: A Unique Educational Environment
Waste Not, Want Not
What are some of the most common mistakes?
What makes your heart sink?
What should I read first?
What TCS Is, And What It Is Not
What to do if you get a visit from a social worker or CPS
When Toddlers Get Upset
Who Wouldn't Be ‘School Phobic’?
Why Is A Three-year-old Child Hitting And What To Do?
Why Stuff-Management Matters
“Getting Children Reading”
Optimism
One Blogger's Thoughtful Commentary on TCS
On “Educational” Computer Games
TCS and Fallibilism
Choosing Creativity
Noticing That You Have Changed Your Mind
How to Avoid Giving Unwanted Answers to Unasked Questions
The Education of Karl Popper
Atheist Parents on How to Treat Teenagers
Common Preferences and Non-coercion
“Getting Children Reading”
Common Preferences and Solving Problems Non-coercively
Parental Aversions
My Heavenly-Horrific Vision of TCS
TCS Theory and Practice
Waste Not, Want Not
(Not) Doling Out Looks and Latitude
Scowl
The TCS Survey (1997)
More TCS Discussions on the Net
There But For An Internet Post Go I...
Authority
TCS and Karl Popper
Natural Consequences
TCS-Related Quotations
Introduction to Taking Children Seriously (TCS)
How Would You Like It?
Parenting By The Book
Feeding The Family: Some Tips For the Cooking-Phobic
Housework Help For a Harried Mother
Curious Young Children Taking Things Apart
Children Are Not Born Knowing Right And Wrong
Taking Toys Seriously (Yes, Really)
When Toddlers Get Upset
Is Hiding Medicine In Your Child's Food Wrong?
Practical TCS
TCS Parenting Is Self-Improving
Beware the Curriculum Mentality
Taking A Wrong Turn
Requiring Children To Do Chores
Who Wouldn't Be ‘School Phobic’?
Obligations And Helping One Another
No Way Out - And Loving It
The New TCS Discussion Forum Is Up!
The ‘Keeping One's Options Open’ Mentality
Introduction to Taking Children Seriously
Do the Kids Rule?
Video Games: A Unique Educational Environment
Doing Nothing Academically?
TCS and Military Training and Organisation
Introduction to TCS Theory
"Time Out" — Time Off or Serving Time?
The Cognitive Capacity Argument
Respecting Other People's Wishes
Enacting a Theory
In Defence of TV Soap Operas
Medical Emergencies
Creativity and Untidiness
Forget About It!
Why Stuff-Management Matters
Can An Emotion Be Wrong?
Moralyzin' Maggie
Reacting to an Angry Child
Lying About Lying
TCS: It Is Rocket Science!
The Importance of Video Games
Snapshot
Sooooo Bored In School
The Demon of the Flickering Light
Smash the TV and Burn all the Books
Taking Education Seriously
Learning to Sleep
What to do if you get a visit from a social worker or CPS
What are some of the most common mistakes?
What makes your heart sink?
Don't Wait Until You're Perfect
What TCS Is, And What It Is Not
Help! Child Hates Eyepatch!
Does educational freedom lead to big gaps in knowledge?
Junk Food Worries
Unschooling And Schooling as a Continuum
How do you get children excited about maths?
But if we don't make her do maths...
Is Your Child Worried About Death?
Children's Rights and the Law
Breaking The Spiral Of Coercion
How did TCS start?
Carseat In A Medical Emergency?
Choosing to go to school or Iraq
Why Is A Three-year-old Child Hitting And What To Do?
Coercion — the Meaning of the Word
Questioning Natural Consequences
The Dark Side of John Holt
Are schools inherently coercive?
Does Your Child Love Visiting The Dentist?
Supporting a Child's Choice to Go to School
Unschooling and Karl Popper
Putting Education First
Unschooling and Academic Education 1
Feeling Bad
Positive Interpretations
The Bed-Making Story
Unschooling And Academic Education 2
Unschooling And Academic Education 3
Treat Information About Local Education Authorities With Caution
What should I read first?
What should I read first?
Treat Information About Local Education Authorities With Caution
Unschooling And Academic Education 3
Unschooling And Academic Education 2
The Bed-Making Story
Positive Interpretations
Feeling Bad
Unschooling and Academic Education 1
Putting Education First
Unschooling and Karl Popper
Supporting a Child's Choice to Go to School
Does Your Child Love Visiting The Dentist?
Are schools inherently coercive?
The Dark Side of John Holt
Questioning Natural Consequences
Coercion — the Meaning of the Word
Why Is A Three-year-old Child Hitting And What To Do?
Choosing to go to school or Iraq
Carseat In A Medical Emergency?
How did TCS start?
Breaking The Spiral Of Coercion
Children's Rights and the Law
Is Your Child Worried About Death?
But if we don't make her do maths...
How do you get children excited about maths?
Unschooling And Schooling as a Continuum
Junk Food Worries
Does educational freedom lead to big gaps in knowledge?
Help! Child Hates Eyepatch!
What TCS Is, And What It Is Not
Don't Wait Until You're Perfect
What makes your heart sink?
What are some of the most common mistakes?
What to do if you get a visit from a social worker or CPS
Learning to Sleep
Taking Education Seriously
Smash the TV and Burn all the Books
The Demon of the Flickering Light
Sooooo Bored In School
Snapshot
The Importance of Video Games
TCS: It Is Rocket Science!
Lying About Lying
Reacting to an Angry Child
Moralyzin' Maggie
Can An Emotion Be Wrong?
Why Stuff-Management Matters
Forget About It!
Creativity and Untidiness
Medical Emergencies
In Defence of TV Soap Operas
Enacting a Theory
Respecting Other People's Wishes
The Cognitive Capacity Argument
"Time Out" — Time Off or Serving Time?
Introduction to TCS Theory
TCS and Military Training and Organisation
Doing Nothing Academically?
Video Games: A Unique Educational Environment
Do the Kids Rule?
Introduction to Taking Children Seriously
The ‘Keeping One's Options Open’ Mentality
The New TCS Discussion Forum Is Up!
No Way Out - And Loving It
Obligations And Helping One Another
Who Wouldn't Be ‘School Phobic’?
Requiring Children To Do Chores
Taking A Wrong Turn
Beware the Curriculum Mentality
TCS Parenting Is Self-Improving
Practical TCS
Is Hiding Medicine In Your Child's Food Wrong?
When Toddlers Get Upset
Taking Toys Seriously (Yes, Really)
Children Are Not Born Knowing Right And Wrong
Curious Young Children Taking Things Apart
Housework Help For a Harried Mother
Feeding The Family: Some Tips For the Cooking-Phobic
Parenting By The Book
How Would You Like It?
Introduction to Taking Children Seriously (TCS)
TCS-Related Quotations
Natural Consequences
TCS and Karl Popper
Authority
There But For An Internet Post Go I...
More TCS Discussions on the Net
The TCS Survey (1997)
Scowl
(Not) Doling Out Looks and Latitude
Waste Not, Want Not
TCS Theory and Practice
My Heavenly-Horrific Vision of TCS
Parental Aversions
Common Preferences and Solving Problems Non-coercively
“Getting Children Reading”
Common Preferences and Non-coercion
Atheist Parents on How to Treat Teenagers
The Education of Karl Popper
How to Avoid Giving Unwanted Answers to Unasked Questions
Noticing That You Have Changed Your Mind
Choosing Creativity
TCS and Fallibilism
On “Educational” Computer Games
One Blogger's Thoughtful Commentary on TCS
Optimism
Did you hate being bossed about by your parents and teachers? Have you developed a life strategy of “my way is the only way” to prevent others coercing you? The problem is that in applying this to your children, you do to them the very thing you hated as a child – and you cause them to grow up to do the very same thing to their own children.
An argument about children's legal rights, addressing the issue of how children might be protected under the law even if their legal rights were the same as adults'.
If so, this might help.
TCS parents do not force their children to study. They do not try to manipulate them into it. They do not push them. They do pay attention to what seems to interest their children and facilitate their exploration in that sphere, and in any related spheres the parent thinks the children might find interesting. But if children are not pushed, how could they ever become, say, a mathematician? What would this process look like? David Deutsch paints a word picture that may help.
Why I always shudder when I hear such questions.
Unschoolers have an aphorism, “Never offer, never refuse”, and think of that as being at one end of a continuum, and school or “school at home” being at the other. In this 1995 post, I explained why this continuum misses the point. I was rather delighted to be told that TCS education is somewhere other than at the extreme end, though. ;-)
Many parents worry that eating a lot of junk food might lead to ill-health. Elliot's post may set some minds at rest.
It is often asserted (usually by school teachers) that if children are not forced to go to school or, at the very least, to study an externally-imposed curriculum, there will be big gaps in their knowledge at the end of their education. Is this true? Is it any less true of children subjected to a standard curriculum? Is it a problem? And if so, which children will be better able to fill any gaps later: those who have been subject to a curriculum, or those who haven't? Mike Fortune-Wood has the answers.
I started publishing Taking Children Seriously (The TCS Journal) in 1992 and finally wound up the operation in 2005, though I had not put out a journal for a number of years. Unfortunately, publishing on paper is prohibitively expensive and these days readers prefer to read the web site. Back issues are still available for those who want them. Email backissues@takingchildrenseriously.com for details.