My son is 14. He has a 12 year old brother and i am a single parent. I am finding it hard to bond with my eldest, because he has decided that he is 'man of the house'. For the past 2 years, he has found it difficult to cope with his father becoming a transexual and then he came out as gay at school. When ever we argue, he ends up shoving me across the room, swearing and punching me!

I know he needs something to do to let off steam, but he does not want to do ANYTHING he just goes on his laptop when he gets in from school. I have asked him if he wants to do judo or swimming etc, but he just shouts, throws his fists around and slams his bedroom door. His younger brother usually tries to pull him away from me, but he ends up hurt.

What i need is advice on how to calm the situation, before it gets to the stage where he becomes violent. He has been to counselling, but he now refuses to go and apart from dragging him down the road (he is far too strong for me) his brother and i just tiptoe around him, trying not to upset him (which is hard, because anything sets him off!!) Life is almost unbearable, my family live 300 miles away and i dont socialise at all, because i live in a bad estate and i am practically a recluse. Does anyone have any suggestions??

help.
i am bored
and fed up
and tired.
in the last 2 days, i have had 5 hours sleep.
my so called best friends hate me
and i am generally miserable
my french teacher appears to be going through a midlife crisis, and i am stuck next to sam, who keeps looking over my shoulder to see what i am writing. i should be finishing off my animations, but i left my french book at home, and can't be bothered to try and remember it. So i am writing this instead.....
i am feeling weird, my boyfriend used to go out with my best friend, then SHE broke up with HIM.
i now go out with him, and she's not talking to me on the account that she thinks i stole her boyfriend.
ever since i started going out with him, she has been really jealous. she purposely made good friends with him again (she's hated his guts before we went out). at first, i thought, good, no problem, i'm glad they are friends, but she's just admitted that she still likes him a LOT. he's still a bit hung up on her, and according to my friend, she asked him out last night. apparantly, he's now gonna dump me for her.

my life sucks.

I'm at school. DDD:
The eighth graders are taking FCAT, sooooo I'm stuck in my Technology class with three other people [most of the class was in eighth grade] and a substitute.
So, after playing any game the school's computers wouldn't block, I got bored. I typed in "bored in school" and got some blog entry or whatever from here. So, yeah, I signed up.
I'm going to use this to amuse myself for a little bit [even though I dunno' what I'm supposed to post or anything, but whatever] . . .
I'm hungry. DDDD: I wish I would of brought my I-Pod to school today, so I could at *least* listen to music. It's really quiet in here - I can here the sound of me typing across the room. '-_-
Maybe I'll mess around with my DS or read or something, 'cuz there's still fourty minutes left of class [I think].
I wanna' listen to musicccccccca'. DDDD;
ughhhh. what kinda' music do you . . . people listen to? I hope this isn't one of those serious forums where I'd get yelled at for posting this. :x
oh welllll. XD
i skipped saturday work detail and now i might get suspended for two days. DDDDD:
ughhhh.
oh, yeah, i wanna' see that movie about that conneticut haunting. it looks good.
lol, joseph just went up to the sub. to ask to go to the bathroom -- again. she said no. DXXXX
poor joseph. :(
anywayyyyyyy . . ..
yeahhhh. after this is fourth period [i think, i'm not sure how they're doing things today] -- that means i have pe next. D:<
i hate my pe teacher. she looks like a tweaker or something. she sounds like it, too. XDDD
yeahhh, she's mean. >_<
she takes pe too seriously. annnddddd never gives us anytime when we get back from pe to go to the bathroom or anything. D:< i got half my points taken away last week becauase [after we came in from being in the sun and everything] for taking too long to fix my hair and stuff. '-_-
ugh.

idk wat dah whole reason of goin 2 skool is..it just makes us want 2 go insane..i mean sumtimes i just want 2 kill myself its not dat i dnt pay attention i just dnt fill lyk listening 2 dah teacher talk cuz they talk bout dah same dame thing all day every day..i mean dahonly reason i go 2 is 2 c my lil sis and friends..most of the tym i just want 2 stay home and play my x-box 360...
i dnt get dah whole point of skool it makes no sence..
the only reason i think paretns make us go 2 skool is so they culd have a piece of quiet around dah house..enyway gots 2 go..

peace out

I am so bored right now! Also, I think that i have the attention span of a cat! I usually like this class because the teacher is really awesome, but right now i just can't concentrate and just want to go outside and run around because it is the second day that its nice outside. We are studing Shakespeare at 9 in the morning1 omg i just want my nose to fall off because it is running and our cheap school never buys any kleenx's! Our school is soo cheap that in the winter ther is no heat and in the summer its freezing too!!! i am in a random mood today i just want it to be tomarrow right now and then i could do my solo and all the solo and ensemble stuff would be over and i could do nothing but lay outside in the sun! wow these computers suck it take forever to do anything and you can't go anywhere or do anything fun!!! i typed in bored in school in my computers class the other day and this website came up so now i want mine to come up and for other bored people to read it! that would be awesome. even thou mine's prolly more boring than the other one, that is ok. if you read this whole thing than way to go! you rule and are just as bored as i am writing this!

Hello, I'm fourteen years old and I'd like to build a stronger relationship with my mother. I've never really had a relationship with her, but when I was little, I'd hug her, kiss her, and tell her I loved her everyday. Today, I hardly even speak to her. Over the past few years, a lot of things have happened to change the way I am, or the way I react to certain situations, but I won't go into detail. I've always been quiet and somewhat of a loner. My mother thinks that I hate her and our family. She thinks I'm depressed and I need therapy. Whenever she tries to communicate with me, we just end up getting into fights because of our disagreements. My current therapist says that I act the way I do because of my Hyperthyroidism. He explained this to my mother, but she completely disregarded it. I have no idea how to come about this, and I think I should just wait until I'm more mature, but maybe it'll be too late. I just want the tension between us two to be gone and for her to be slightly, maybe, just a little more happy.

My 2 year old son use to hit/slap my wife all the time. He use to slap me once in awhile but only becasue I told him no. I noticed that my son has stopped hitting my wife since she has been paying more attention to him. She use to be on the computer for long hours. Did my son hit my wife because she was not paying enough attention to him or neglecting him?

As a parent who has done her best to raise her children the TCS way there is one reoccuring issue that I find the most hard to deal with. Something that I never considered when taking on this philosophy all those years ago. I have a fairly good understanding of TCS, and I agree with the principles... yet I have parenting issues and problems as every parent does... the difference? I have no one who understands the things I struggle with, and the solutions they give are very much un-TCS.

A TCS parent cannot sit amongst a group of mums and talk about how it can be frustrating that your children stay up till 2 - 3am because they are too interested in their computer games... how this messes up the whole day for the mother as the children then sleep till midday and beyond, but are still too young to be left alone. She cant talk about how sometimes she is just sick and tired of talking and reasoning and wants to just be able to say "do it because I say so, and if you dont I will cut your pocket money this week". Her family and friends dont understand, often the attitude comes back "its your bed, now lie in it". A depressed TCS mother cannot seek help for fear of her parenting technique be bought to question.

So if you are thinking of TCS for your children... I would support your decision, I think its the only way to raise your children. Be prepared to have little or no support tho, understand that often the people around you will not only not understand, but may actually revel in your difficulties because it justifies their own disciplinarian methods. Understand that the usual lines of help if you get into serious problems with your own health are closed to you. Do I think its worth it? this isn't really a question for me, I dont think I can be any other way towards my children than I am now, TCS is how I feel about childrearing... but sometimes... I just wish I could call up a friend or go online and find someone right there to hear me cry and rant...

Sorry to ask a question that's probably been asked a hundred times before, but I'm new here.

Suppose a parent comes to the realization they've been parenting all wrong (coercively) and that their very strong, self-assertive child is not responding well to that at all (battle of wills). So the parent reads, thinks, and decides to change.

Bedtime rolls around. Or what would be bedtime. But now the parent has NO idea what to do. Usually she gets the child in bed with a mix of "tactics" and now she doesn't trust any of them. But the child is used to rebelling. So, he stays up. The parent tries to talk to him and reason with him, but his eyes are glued to the TV and he just mutters, "I'm staying up" and completely stops responding after that.

What could the mom do- she doesn't want to be just permissive, but the child gives her no opening to discuss it or come up with some mutually acceptable solution. People seem to say, well a child raised with TCS will reason and discuss with you. But what about a child who hasn't, to this point, been raised that way?

Taking Children Seriously is a radical break from our (the modern world's) "traditional" way of viewing the world and people (children in particular). By "tradition" I mean maybe the last several hundred years of human history.

Yet from what I've learned of the few primitive people-groups still living in the world today (I'm thinking mainly of the !Kung of Africa and the Yequana of South America), these people live consensually and never, or rarely, coerce others in the tribe irregardless of age.

I'm not saying I'd want to do away with progress. I love to read, philosophize, debate, partake in coffee and chocolate, and do many things I probably wouldn't be doing if I were a Stone-Age Indian living in a totally harmonious, cohesive, and natural community.

(Of course, there'd be many compensations such as having attachment parenting be the norm -- but I must admit there's this piece of me that loves diverging from the norm, even in the way I parent.)

But could it be that progress has stimulated some individuals to keep seeking ever greater control over the world, and over other people, in order to increase their individual power and ability to make things go the way they want them to?

Could it be that our current heirarchical traditions are really a by-product of progress?

In that case, TCS is both new and ancient at the same time! I love the idea of getting to have my cake and eat it too! For instance, some other non-coercive folks I've dialogued with online seem to strongly disapprove of people like me who still buy foods and other products from "mainstream" suppliers.

From what I've been reading here, it sounds like we're welcome to come to TCS as we are and reach our own conclusions about outside issues. I hope to hear others' ideas about these things.

One of the main tenets of TCS is giving people freedom to do what they like when they like; I realize that TSC is a complex philosophy, so forgive my clumsiness if that's an oversimplification.

I grew up in a permissive environment. If I wanted to eat mashed potatoes for breakfast, or wear my elf costume to school, my parents let me. If I signed up for ballet or ice skating or horseback riding, and then grew bored, or had a conflict with my instructor, I quit. If I didn't want to do my homework or clean my room I didn't. In high school I missed 16 days one quarter, because I didn't feel like going. I didn't have a curfew, or restrictions about movies, sex or parties. I'm sure you get the idea, I want to keep this short.

But today, as an adult I'm pretty irresponsible. I have a very difficult time initiating action, and I give up quickly. Even things I want to do, like keep the house clean, or eat healthy foods, I don't do consistently, even though I feel much happier when I do them. I live for the moment, and can't be bothered to work for a goal, or delay gratification. A hypothetical example: even though I want the garbage men to take my trash away, if I don't feel like setting it out by the curb, I don't. Then later I feel sad and frustrated that I didn't do it, and my quality of life and happiness suffer.

Just wondering what your thoughts are.

A few important articles to get you started.

OMG im a tipical 13 yo gurl frm a tipical small skool and im BORED!! im always tired b/c they pound crap into our heads w/ hammers and nails then glue us back together! if they would do more visual things, i would learn more and we would have more fun! skool shuld b fun...were kids!! theres only 1 time u get to b a kid and there wasting it on crappin skool!!

i play sports ok? i wake up @ 630...go to skool till 4....@ 430 i have bball practice or cheerleading practice or track practice or cross country training or games or tennis practice or other crap like that! sumtimes i dont get home till almost midnight frm crap and then on top of that i still have all the boring crappin hw that all the teachers pile on till were drownin in it and crap so then im up till like 1 or 2!!then sumtimes on test nites i have to pull allnighters!! and im pretty smart, and crap but not a nerd.... but im always tired frm staying up so late!!! then every other day i have quizes and pop tests and vocabulary in 2 classes and then i have history and all the other crap everyone else has cept im glad this year i dont have to take frickin spanish!!!!

gah teachers should give us less hw or just fun hw!! i heard of a teacher one time that gave VIEDEO GAMES 4 hw!! i wish more teachers were like that!!!!! im getting a headache frm all this crap.

Why you should think twice before praising a particular LEA (local education authority).

More discussion with a radical unschooler on the subject of education and coercion.

Parents often fear that a child might make the wrong decisions about what to learn.

A charming story for everyone who has a bed-making issue.

Misunderstandings and miscommunication are common occurrences, so it is wise not to jump to negative conclusions.

This piece by Elliot may help some understand TCS ideas about coercion and solving problems.

The implication of saying that there are things children must learn to study is that the children may not want to learn them, because they won't know that they are valuable until later. But if you can't enumerate them all, then how do you know, when you are forcing your children to do one of them, that you are not preventing your children from doing another? Also, if you can't enumerate them all, how do you think the children are going to learn the ones you are unable to enumerate? In fact, I believe that not only can you not enumerate them all, but you can't KNOW them all, that you can't even know a millionth part of them.

The criticism sometimes levelled at TCS parents, that they must be doormats, is in terms of education actually more appropriate when applied to conventional parents.

"Harmful to children", where did this phrase come from?
Odds are it was originated by an adult (18 and over).
Child censorship is an issue we shouldn't ignore.
No child above 12 years old should have restrictions about what he or she might get to see or hear.

Let's say a child of 13 wants to play a mature video game containing gory violence, nudity, and sexually stimulating situations (although no real sex is involved).
Instead of taking away any chance the child might have of seeing it, sit down with your child in a "one on one" and calmly discuss it as if you were in a college debate.

Really consider these points instead of just disregarding them, and enforcing your own law.
Become a "cool" parent in your kid's eyes by treating him or her as an equal, and your bond can only get stronger.

I'd like to stress, I am not a parent, nor am I a professional in child psychiatry.
I just remember how I felt growing up, not that my parents didn't do a good job of raising me.
I just think the "old school" way of thinking, is really not good enough.

I'm sure it was written here before, but I think it bares repeating:
For more information, visit esrb.org (contents must not be copied and links within site must not be posted).

My mother and I don't seem to know how to team up and help each other with our problems, and I find that very much a problem. I just basically want to know how we can be two pieces of the same puzzle, her understanding my situation in life and changing for me, and me being able to help her with her obstacles, and myself growing as a person. Hi. I'm seventeen, currently attending high-school. I have a few questions, and I was wondering if TCS could spare some advice.

(Just some backround) I tend to be a very negative person, and I often feel a lot of jealous and posessive feelings toward my girlfriend. I tend to be happy in social situations, but when it's just me, my mind wanders a lot. These past couple years I've had a hard time falling asleep at the right time, and I tend to feel as if doing anything physical that is a chore or task just plain arduous. I don't have any motivation really to do any of the things I wish to do, or have to do.
My mother is a good woman, but she suffers from the same lack of motivation and optimism that I do. She's an alcholic that tends to fall off the wagon a lot, and it's hard to deal with her when she's drunk. Especially because she can become violent, and the situations she puts herself in and also puts me in can escalate, never to extreme conditions, and I don't hit my mother. The situation seems to be looked at as my fault, and my mother just constantly rants to people, saying that I abuse her when she's drunk, but doesn't even remember the events that happened (she blacks out a lot).
I'm seventeen; I've made a lot of mistakes in my life, and I know my mom has as well. But I cannot help her with her addictions, and I myself have started smoking again. My mother and I don't seem to know how to team up and help each other with our problems, and I find that very much a problem.

My 2.5yr old sometimes hits, pushes and throws - what ought I to do about it?My 2.5yr hold is normally a very pleasant toddler, very peaceful and calm and non-confrontational. But occassionally she throws things, and sometimes they're heavy things that could do some damage, for no particular reason as well as when she's angry. If we ask her not to do something (and we don't often do so!), she sometimes hits us. When she's going through a bad patch this happens more and more often and quite often includes pushing her baby sister over, or hitting her. She's not a hard work toddler, and I expect the occassional meltdown when life doesn't make sense, and respect her needs as much as I possibly can (she's still breastfed, sleeps in our bed, isn't forced to do anything she doesn't want to do) but I'm finding this unpleasant behaviour very hard to deal with - in fact I haven't a clue how to deal with it! My instant reaction is to snap, or say 'no' very firmly (although ideally we try not to say 'no' to her!) - it makes me very angry to see her hit/throw/push - but I'm very aware that it's probably not the best course of action. I'd very, very much appreciate some guidance or suggestions or anything!

Many thanks

Clare

My 2.5yr old sometimes hits, pushes and throws - what ought I to do about it?My 2.5yr hold is normally a very pleasant toddler, very peaceful and calm and non-confrontational. But occassionally she throws things, and sometimes they're heavy things that could do some damage, for no particular reason as well as when she's angry. If we ask her not to do something (and we don't often do so!), she sometimes hits us. When she's going through a bad patch this happens more and more often and quite often includes pushing her baby sister over, or hitting her. She's not a hard work toddler, and I expect the occassional meltdown when life doesn't make sense, and respect her needs as much as I possibly can (she's still breastfed, sleeps in our bed, isn't forced to do anything she doesn't want to do) but I'm finding this unpleasant behaviour very hard to deal with - in fact I haven't a clue how to deal with it! My instant reaction is to snap, or say 'no' very firmly (although ideally we try not to say 'no' to her!) - it makes me very angry to see her hit/throw/push - but I'm very aware that it's probably not the best course of action. I'd very, very much appreciate some guidance or suggestions or anything!

Many thanks

Clare

My 2.5yr old sometimes hits, pushes and throws - what ought I to do about it?My 2.5yr hold is normally a very pleasant toddler, very peaceful and calm and non-confrontational. But occassionally she throws things, and sometimes they're heavy things that could do some damage, for no particular reason as well as when she's angry. If we ask her not to do something (and we don't often do so!), she sometimes hits us. When she's going through a bad patch this happens more and more often and quite often includes pushing her baby sister over, or hitting her. She's not a hard work toddler, and I expect the occassional meltdown when life doesn't make sense, and respect her needs as much as I possibly can (she's still breastfed, sleeps in our bed, isn't forced to do anything she doesn't want to do) but I'm finding this unpleasant behaviour very hard to deal with - in fact I haven't a clue how to deal with it! My instant reaction is to snap, or say 'no' very firmly (although ideally we try not to say 'no' to her!) - it makes me very angry to see her hit/throw/push - but I'm very aware that it's probably not the best course of action. I'd very, very much appreciate some guidance or suggestions or anything!

Many thanks

Clare

What Karl Popper has to say that is relevant to education.

What should I have done, after observing what looked like a scary kind of parenting?I don't have a lot to say about this; I'm just a dabbler in the site at the moment, being a little too old for a child's perspective and a little too, err, childless for a parent's.

However, I'm curious what anyone else might make of this:

I'll skip the details of the circumstance, except to note that it was at the house of an acquaintance (not so well-known as to be a friend). A relation of that acquaintance was there with her children--one girl of about two or three, the other less than a year. More than once I heard the mother correct her kids simply by bellowing, "NO!" It sounded like a snarling dog, and at the same time, like the sort of short commands which are used to get through to dogs. One could hear her from another floor of the house.

We're not even necessarily talking about her reprimanding the children for doing something wrong. The only specific case I recall is when one of them wandered rather near the top of a staircase. It was definitely a command, though, not a word of warning or a cry of alarm.

This was not a person with whom I would feel comfortable having a general discussion on parenting, much less criticising her (even politely). That's partly because I barely know her, and partly because I'm nineteen years old (eighteen then) and don't expect to be treated as if I know the first thing about raising kids. (Which, I suppose, I don't, except in that I was one fairly recently.)

Was there any way to voice my horror raise my concern without creating an uncomfortable situation all around?

How to help a child to try school safely.

To ensure that your child loves visiting the dentist, read this!